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I need some advice...

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by Two Sandwiches, Nov 13, 2006.

  1. Two Sandwiches

    Two Sandwiches Contributing Member

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    Okay, this may be pretty long, and it's sort of personal, but I'm in need of some advice...

    My girlfriend, yes, the one that I've been made fun of on here, or whatever for, has an issue with her father. Although we've been dating for a while (about 25 months..), I don't think I've ever really heard the full story. This is what I understand:

    As far as I know, when her mother was first pregnant with her older brother(her only other sibling), her father used to beat her. He once threw her down a flight of stairs, while she was pregnant. Her mom put up with it, even, for a few years. I'm not completely sure how long they were married after my girlfriend was born, but I'd guess about 2 to 3 years.

    Once they got the divorce, her dad was great about spending time with them. They lived in Minnesota for a while, and her dad lived in Pennsylvania, but because he is an airlines pilot, he was able to fly out and see them every weekend. Then, they moved back in his area, and he was very good still. They'd go to his house every weekend, and hang out and all that good stuff.

    Then, all of a sudden, he started canceling the weekends with them. It became more and more frequent to the point to where he only wanted to see them once maybe every other month. Finally, the last straw came when he decided he was going to get married on her birthday. So, from then on, instead of spending her birthday with her, he spent his anniversary with his wife. All of a sudden now the one day a year she could guarantee would be with him was gone. Since then, she hasn't really seen him, much less talked to him.

    Now, he's married and has a daughter (my girlfriend's half sister) who is about 3. To make things worse, the guy flies international flights with one of the major airline companies (United, I think), and is making somewhere near the equivalent of what a doctor does. Because my girlfriend cut off all communication with him, he pays no child support(my girlfriend will be 18 in a month). He doesn't have to help her through college, which he could pay for her full tuition. The one thing he does for her is medical insurance.

    In order to keep it this way, he calls once a month. The same old monotone message. And every month, when he calls, my girlfriend gets severely upset. Well, he called today, and she accidentally answered it, then hung up immediately. Because of that, though, she was extremely upset. I had to leave, and I called her a few minutes ago to check on her, and she was still very upset and crying heavily.

    I think part of this also might be due to the fact that she turns 18 in a month, and her father won't have to call her or have any contact with her anymore once that happens. For instance, he doesn't have anything to do with her brother, who is 20. I think the crying was either a depressive state, or maybe due to the fact that she realizes, or at least thinks, that her time to patch things up with him is running out.

    I consider her brother a very close friend also, but he seems not to be affected by this so much. For that reason, I am not totally concerned for him.

    As for my girlfriend, she's had counseling in the past to try and deal with it, but it obviously has not closed up the wounds. She is an absolutely amazing person that is talented in every way, but I feel this one little thing with her father is holding her back from becoming something truly amazing. I want, in the worst way possible to make things better, or at least do something, for my girlfriend's sake, to help her out. I don't really care about her father at this point, although some part of me would like to meet the guy....

    My girlfriend's mother was remarried when my girlfriend was about 6 or 7, and the guy is a great guy, who has essentially become her father. She loves him as a father, but I think because of what happened, she has a problem with showing that outwardly. She sort of just has trust issues with guys in general because of this. With me, she does and she doesn't. I know she trusts me, but sometimes she can't help but not trust me.


    I am just not sure what to do. At one point, her brother swore he was gonna write to Dr. Phil, and to be honest, I wouldn't rule that out as an option. Maybe something like that could fix the problem, whether that includes patching things up with her father, or just getting her help. The one thing I don't want to see is my girlfriend growing older and wondering about her father - wondering what he is like now, if he still thinks of her, what her half-sister is like, etc. I don't want that. Whether or not she and I go on to get married and live happily ever after, or we break up tomorrow, I absolutely don't want to have her go through that.

    I'm just wondering what you guys would do in a situation like this. I want to bring it up, but to me, it just seems so blasphemous that I don't think I dare do it. I've alluded to it in the past (tonight I also did), telling her that if she ever needed me to call her dad, or talk to him for any reason I would - whether it be to tell him to stop calling, or it be for another reason.

    If you guys don't have any opinions or advice, I would just like for you guys to read this thread and take it to heart when dealing with your kids.

    I realize there are two sides to every story, and I may not be getting completely accurate information, and I think that might be part of the reason why I want to see if the guy has changed. I guess that's just a disclaimer...


    Thank you in advance, and sorry that was so long.
     
  2. Sishir Chang

    Sishir Chang Contributing Member

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    It sounds like you want the best for her and your heart is in the right place but I'm not sure this is something you want to stick your nose into. The best thing you could do is be there for her and let her sort out her family issues. You getting involved might make things worse.

    That's my two cents.
     
  3. mrpaige

    mrpaige Contributing Member

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    But does he make as much as a pharmacist does?

    My advice? Stay out of it except for your being there to give her a shoulder to cry on when she needs to. There's nothing you can do to make it better. She will have to learn to deal with her relationship with her father. It will likely take years and it may never get to a point where she's truly dealt with it. But it's a journey she has to make herself. So just sit back, be as understanding as possible, but don't try to solve the problem. Just let her vent, let her cry, let her figure it out for herself. And be supportive whichever way she decides to go.
     
  4. lost_elephant

    lost_elephant Contributing Member

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    I agree. If you get involved and try to patch things up. Things could go awry and she might resent you for it.
     
  5. Mr. Brightside

    Mr. Brightside Contributing Member

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    I have nothing substantial to add other than saying the paragraph placement was great, and that is the way a story should be written and told. I get frustrated with those one giant paragraph stories, that is often seen here. Cheers!
     
  6. aussiejack

    aussiejack Member

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    i guess there's two ways you could approach this...either you be aggressive and approach the father and give him a ear lashing after the incompetant father he's been and maybe then that'll straigthen out his senses or you could be just passive...take her out to do fun things like watch a movie or take her shopping...just take her mind off it all...build your own special memories so she doesnt have to live with the ones of her past...
     
  7. arno_ed

    arno_ed Contributing Member

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    I couldn't have said it better.
     
  8. vwiggin

    vwiggin Contributing Member

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    I agree with the advice given above.

    One thing I might also try is to involve her more with your family (assuming you have a great family). That way, she can see what happened to her, while tragic, is the exception and not the norm in family relationships.

    I also want to add is that I got so mad reading this story. How could anyone treat their children like that? And as for the second wife, why did she marry (and have children with) a guy who is obviously an unfit father?

    You should definitely not seek this guy out. I have a feeling you wouldn't be able to restrain yourself from punching his lights out. I know I couldn't, and I've never been a fight in my life.
     
  9. Invisible Fan

    Invisible Fan Contributing Member

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    You have a knowledge gap of who the man really means to her, so any serious attempts to correct the problem will end up backfiring. I'd take a neutral approach like suggesting that she write a letter of what's she's going through to him, and lay heavy on the emotional support.

    If you're deadset on feeling useful, I'd approach the brother and work through him first. It's one of those things people are more receptive to with other family members. Plus, the consequences aren't as bad. A punch in the face is better than fallout from your girlfriend.
     
  10. mateo

    mateo Contributing Member

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    Dont get involved, you lack the power to fix this. Keep her busy/distracted.
     
  11. VooDooPope

    VooDooPope Love > Hate
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    and be supportive not invasive.

    Good luck. Broken homes suck for Kids. Some much more than others.
     
  12. swilkins

    swilkins Contributing Member

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    EWS,

    All you need to do is love her. If she needs a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen, then by all means.

    You're young and seem like a good guy so I will give you some advise.

    Don't solve other people's problems. It is hard enough in life trying to battle our own emotions. Respect her as a person and let her work this out the best way that she knows how. If it involves church or prayer, then that can do wonders. She can only get better if she can be honest with herself.

    I went through hard times and found out that the biggest problem wasn't everyone else, but me. I sought prayer and have read many books by the man in my sig. It was nothing short of a miracle. How do you thank someone that made the biggest impact on your when he that passed away 50 years ago? If he could answer, he might say to live and love each day. Forget the past and don't fear the future. Take life one day at a time.

    Just love her and listen. That alone can do amazing things.

    Best of luck
     
  13. Rocket River

    Rocket River Member

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    It is more than a Disclaimer
    It is the Truth . . . . You have NO IDEA what things are like on his side
    everything you have is from the eyes of a hurt child

    I beleive like alot of folx here. . . stay out of it
    Also . . .from your story *SHE* cut*HIM* off

    The path to togetherness must be walked on both sides
    If she cannot even answer a phone call and pretend to be civl
    What hope is there for anything meaningful?

    Rocket River
     
  14. rrj_gamz

    rrj_gamz Contributing Member

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    Sorry to hear about that...Some fathers are just d*cks and take no responsibility...Sounds like he is just a jerk and there is probalby nothing you or his kids can do about it...It may have something to do with the step-mom, but I'm speculating at this point...

    All you can do is be there for her and as before, it'll be a rollercoaster of emotions...Good Luck...
     
  15. Surfguy

    Surfguy Contributing Member

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    My response is she needs to confront her real father in person. If she needs to hire a private investigator to track him down, then so be it. She needs to have it out with her father in person once and for all. It's either going to end up where he wants her to be a part of his life or he wants her out of his life completely. This way...he cannot get off easy by doing stuff over the phone. If he hung up on her, then he probably has some guilt about how he's handled the situation. A face-to-face confrontation is what is required IMO...even if it goes terribly. Otherwise, your girlfriend is going to continue to live out these "what if?" or "why?" scenarios the rest of her life. She needs the truth from him in person. Does he care? Does he want to ignore the fact he has flesh and blood children? If so, why? She needs answers and from the only person who can truly give them to her. And, not from some long-distance phone conversation. Confront him. Her reasons are obvious for wanting to know what the deal is. The way he has handled himself is a mystery. You don't just wash your hands of your children for no reason...even when you have a whole new life. What did her or her brother do to deserve feeling abandoned by their real father? He has to be held accountable...even if it the confrontation goes badly. If it does go badly, then it is between him and God as to why he abandoned his children.
     
  16. Two Sandwiches

    Two Sandwiches Contributing Member

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    Thank you guys very much for all of the advice.

    I think I'll take the advice and stay out of it, as hard as that is. I believe that something needs to happen for her to get on/over this.

    The thing that is hard with me is that her father, his wife, and her half-sister visit my work (a grocery store...I work in the sub shop in the grocery store) every now and again. They came to the pizza shop, which is right next to where we do subs one time (I recognized him from pictures, and because his wife yelled his name, Dundee, a name that I don't know of anyone else having). I had no idea what to do. I wanted to confront him, I wanted to cry. I wanted to leave. I wanted to punch his lights out. All in one. And I had to tell my girlfriend. I couldn't keep something like that from her. And she didn't take that lightly.

    That doesn't really have anything to do with this thread, just a bit of rambling.


    As far as some more advice goes, do you guys recommend me trying to persuade her into talking to him? Or should I just completely let her do her own thing?



    Thanks, once again.
     
  17. vwiggin

    vwiggin Contributing Member

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    You mentioned that she's had counseling about this in the past. Can she get some counseling now through her school or church?

    I think while you and all of us have her best interest in mind, we are not really qualified to help her through this very tough situation.

    She really needs to talk to a counselor about this as soon as possible. :(
     
  18. Kam

    Kam Contributing Member

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    I'm going to be a good dad. That's all I know.
     
  19. Rocket River

    Rocket River Member

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    Dude, I'm glad you didn't
    Like I said . . and i don't doubt your GF's grief, etc
    but
    You really don't know his story

    I know alot of people are instantly ready to beleive a man is crap
    esp in all things reproductive related [kids etc]
    but
    All men are not evil vile creatures
    and in every situation . . . the man is not always wrong

    If he was such a Good dad . .. *until*
    What happened to make that change?
    New Wife? Well change will happen . .. cause the love that was
    split between 2 kids . . is now going to a new wife *and* the kids
    which is Very important too . . .
    But a New Wife means his time IS LESS AVAILABLE
    Can you Fault him that?

    While the Wife should not supercede the kids
    she should not be forever in the shadows and constantly concede to them either

    Rocket River
     

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