[FUN] Jokes Joke-a-thon Joke-a-Rama

I'll bite Swoly!! As a Medical Collector, here's one...

Doctor, Doctor
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
________

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

__________

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

___________

During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand." "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"

 

Three guy friends go on vacation and get hotel room for the night.

The hotel tells them that they only have one room available and it only has a king sized bed.

The three friends decide to suck it up for the night and just sleep in the same bed.

When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, "man I had the weirdest dream that I was getting handjob."

The guy on the right then goes, "dude I had a dream I was getting a handjob as well."

The guy in the middle then said, "that's weird, I had a dream I was skiing."

 

A construction supervisor needed a little extra help on a new job. He put a ad in the paper for a helper and three men showed up. One mexican, one black, and one chinese man, all came to apply for the job. The supervisor could only hire one person for the job, so he came up with a fair plan.

He told the mexican guy, "shovel out this big pile of dirt, and just smooth it out flat. I have to go get the plans for the job, and if you do the best job, when I come back, the job will be yours."

He told the black guy, "I want you to sweep up this shop. Its been so messy for so long. Clean it up real good, and when I come back, the job will be yours."

He told the chinese guy, "I want you to be in charge of the supplies. If you do a good job, when I come back the job is yours."

The supervisor left to get the plans. When he returned he noticed the big pile of dirt was still there. He asked the mexican why he didnt do his job. The Mexican said, he couldnt shovel it because he couldnt find a shovel. The supervisor said, the chinese guy was in charge of the supplies. The mexican said, "I know, but I couldnt find him, or a shovel." The supervisor, told the mexican to leave, and that he wouldnt get the job.

The supervisor walked inside of the shop and noticed it was still dirty. He asked the black man, why he didnt sweep up the place. The black guy said, "I couldnt find a broom." The supervisor said, the chinese guys was in charge of the supplies. "I know", said the black man, "but as soon as you left, the chinese guy disappeared." The supervisor told the black guy to leave and that he wasnt getting the job.

The supervisor starting looking around for the chinese guy. He looked outside, no chinese guy. He looked around the shop, no chinese guy. Giving up on the search, the supervisor walks in to his office and notices a few ballons and streamers all of a sudden the chinese guy POPS UP FROM BEHIND HIS DESK AND YELLS, "SUPPLIES!!!!"





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this thread couldnt have come at a better time. ok, im about to repeat a joke that was told to me by two VERY older gentleman here at work no less than 5 minutes ago. Needless to say, i pretended to laugh. It was awkward. Can this be classified as sexual harassment hahahaha
__________________________

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ole replied. Reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter. But it wasn't a regular Bic lighter – this one was 10 inches long.

'Yiminy cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my genie.'

'You haff a genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' said Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opened his tackle box and sure enough, out popped the genie.


Addressing the genie, Sven said, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' said the Genie.

So Sven asked the genie for a million bucks.


The genie disappeared back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkened and was filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying directly overhead.


Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yelled at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answered, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

(this is when i let out an awkward chuckle)

 

A SOUTHERNER MOVES NORTH

Dear Diary:



DEC.8: 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took out hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.



DEC.9: We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape; what a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white coat. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.



DEC.10: It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.



DEC.11: Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145.00 for a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.



DEC.12: Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4X4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Got another 8 inches of the white **** last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That ****in' snowplow came by twice today.



DEC.13: 2 degrees outside. More ****in' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and damned near burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eye-lashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.



DEC.14: Son-of-a-b****'n mother-****in' white **** keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the ****in' mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-b**** that drives the snowplow, I'll kick his ****in' ass. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street about 100 MPH and buries our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.



DEC.15: 6 more ****in' inches of ****in' snow and ****in' sleet and ****in' ice and God knows what other kind of white **** fell last night. I wounded the ****in' snowplow ******* with an ice ax, but the ****-sucker got away. Wife hates me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snowblind. I can't move my toes. Havn't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill factor minus 22 ****in' degrees. Screw this ****. I'm movin' back to Florida.

 

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.



She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.



George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.



Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ...walked home....and left it there all night.

 

Why is 6 scared of 7?

7 8 9.

 

Q: After two jokes about testicles, what's the last thing someone wants to hear?

A:

 

Harry and His wife were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

Harry suddenly said, "Dear, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" asked his wife.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other ******* using my stuff..."

His wife looked at Harry and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another *******?"

 

Q: What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a crab with big t***?
A: One is a dirty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.