To all Clutchfans bretheren/sisteren: Please pray for SamFisher... :grin: See the grin emoticon? This post is in jest, inspired by this: http://bbs.clutchfans.net/showthread.php?t=190245&page=23 Post #444
Before the almighty and ineffable God Satan/Lucifer and in the presence of all Demons of Hell, who are the True and the Original gods, I, SamFisher, renounce any and all past allegiances. I renounce the false Judeo/Christian god Jehova, I renounce his vile and worthless son Jesus Christ, I renounce his foul, odious, and rotten holy spirit. I proclaim Satan Lucifer as my one and only God. I promise to recognize and honor him in all things, without reservation, desiring in return, his manifold assistance in the successful completion of my endeavors.
It all started when our cliche, protagonistic figure, SamFisher, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling scarcely worried, SamFisher hit a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected he realized that his beloved Clutchfans BBS was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, giddyup. SamFisher had known giddyup for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. giddyup was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. SamFisher called him anyway, for the situation was urgent. giddyup picked up to a very nervous SamFisher. giddyup calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies belch before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually charismatically shudder *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting SamFisher. Why was giddyup trying to distract SamFisher? Because he had snuck out from SamFisher's with the Clutchfans BBS only seven days prior. It was a enticing little Clutchfans BBS... how could he resist? It didn't take long before SamFisher got back to the subject at hand: his Clutchfans BBS. giddyup sneezed. Relunctantly, giddyup invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Clutchfans BBS. SamFisher grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, giddyup realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Clutchfans BBS and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if SamFisher took the deliciously practical 4-door, he had take at least eight minutes before SamFisher would get there. But if he took the keyboard? Then giddyup would be excessively screwed. Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, giddyup was interrupted by eight clueless gerbils that were lured by his Clutchfans BBS. giddyup yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling displeased, he fearlessly reached for his live hand grenade and deftly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the keyboard rolling up. It was SamFisher. ----o0o---- As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, SamFisher was out of the keyboard and went explosively jaunting toward giddyup's front door. Meanwhile inside, giddyup was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Clutchfans BBS into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. giddyup was concerned but at least the Clutchfans BBS was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' giddyup scandalously purred. With a mighty push, SamFisher opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering spite-toting jerk in a wannabe go-fast Civic,' he lied. 'It's fine,' giddyup assured him. SamFisher took a seat just under where giddyup had hidden the Clutchfans BBS. giddyup turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But SamFisher was distracted. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, giddyup noticed a pestering look on SamFisher's face. SamFisher slowly opened his mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?' giddyup felt a stabbing pain in his shin when SamFisher asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Clutchfans BBS right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on SamFisher's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. SamFisher nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before giddyup could react, SamFisher aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The Clutchfans BBS was plainly in view. SamFisher stared at giddyup for what what must've been five nanoseconds. As if it really mattered giddyup groped earnestly in SamFisher's direction, clearly desperate. SamFisher grabbed the Clutchfans BBS and bolted for the door. It was locked. giddyup let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, SamFisher,' he rebuked. giddyup always had been a little selfish, so SamFisher knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before giddyup did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he gripped his Clutchfans BBS tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. giddyup looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from SamFisher. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for SamFisher. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. giddyup walked over to the window and looked down. SamFisher was gone. ----o0o---- Just yonder, SamFisher was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind giddyup's place. SamFisher had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral gerbils suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Clutchfans BBS. One by one they latched on to SamFisher. Already weakened from his injury, SamFisher yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of gerbils running off with his Clutchfans BBS. About nine hours later, SamFisher awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and SamFisher did not know where he was. Deep in the mysterious lemur-infested moor, SamFisher was exceedingly lost. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he remembered that his Clutchfans BBS was taken by the gerbils. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a oversized gerbil emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha gerbil. SamFisher opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the gerbil sunk its teeth into SamFisher's ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from SamFisher's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure. Less than six miles away, giddyup was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Clutchfans BBS. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dull pencil. With a mighty thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about SamFisher... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Clutchfans BBS that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant gerbils, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
Dudes... don't spill your D&D lore to the Hangout... Keep the Hangout sTuPiD! The next time there's a "Prayers for..." thread, no one will pay attention because of this silliness...
SamFisher is a very smart but very harsh poster here. For example, he observed that after one of our intense back-and-forths about topics near and dear to my heart (like Abortion most often), I had established a pattern of starting another thread which might typically ask for prayers for someone or shine a light on some of the niceties of life. He mocks me for that. You'll see his latest example in this thread, post #444: http://bbs.clutchfans.net/showthread.php?t=190245&page=23 Indeed his observation is right and true. Very perceptive. Sometimes I need to be reminded that there are civil people posting here. SF wears the anonymity of the internet well....
Actually, this is the first time I've heard from Sam in months and I mean months. I figured he had me on ignore and then this thrust. I enjoyed the quietude while it lasted...
Why does somebody need to be "called out" asking for prayers for someone? You disappoint me; I was expecting a "humorous" image rather than mere words... :grin:
Samfisher and giddyup are secretly married and are now experimenting with their brand new chemistry set, trying to conceive a baby.
