I've spent a few minutes trying to determine what I want. I'm sort of in the "I have no f*cking clue" category. I don't do the relationship thing well. I tend to get very frustrated by some little thing like two weeks in and break things off. I have a bit of a temper...I guess what they say about redheads is totally true. Here's what I actually know I want or don't want: - Financial security. No deadbeats need apply. You don't have to make millions, but if you're 30 and still flipping burgers at McDonald's, move along. If you're flipping burgers at a 5-star restaurant, that's another thing. I make a good amount of money myself, but there is no chance in h*ll I'm going to support some guy's lazy butt. - Be taller than me. This one may sound kind of shallow, but there's something I can't stand about short men. They just don't make me feel safe. - Don't all of a sudden decide you want to have kids. I can't stand the little buggers. Tell me at the start if you want to have kids one day. There's no point in wasting a lot of time, because there is no chance I'm popping one of those things out of my body. - Don't think your job is more important than mine. I'm in a competitive field that has very few jobs available. I can't just pickup and move to any little place. Understand that I work freaky hours and that's not going to change anytime soon. - Don't try to beat me up. I have a lot of cops on speed dial. I'll call 'em and have them haul your @ss to jail on the first slap. I have a zero-tolerance policy on this. - Don't talk down to me. I'm not stupid. Treating me like I am because I don't know some obscure little thing. - Don't smother me. Don't call me 10 times an hour to check up on me. Don't expect me to call you all the time. If I don't return your call two seconds after you left a message, don't freak out. I'm a person, not property. Treating me like property will only result in bad things for you. - Don't call me your girlfriend without prior permission. - Don't call me by a nickname/pet name I don't like. That's a sure-fire way to be shown the door. - Do understand I like to shop. I shop a lot -- a whole lot. I don't spend a lot of money, though. I get $400 leather jackets for $7.99. This is a quest for me. I'm not going to stop shopping ever, so just understand it's going to happen. - Like my mom & sister. If you don't like them, you don't like me. It's just that simple. - Make friends with my dogs. If I have to choose between you and my dogs, my dogs win. End of story. - Don't be afraid of color. I don't do white walls. White walls are like a prison for me. Please be aware that you may have a bright orange living room and a turquoise kitchen. This is non-negotiable. - Don't give me lingere as a gift. It's not for me, it's for you. Don't worry, you'll get a little baggie with an itty-bitty bit of fabric in it every couple of weeks. - Don't tell me my hair looks good or I look thin in an outfit unless you actually mean it. I can tell if you're lying. I don't like lying. - Do know how to cook dinner. I can't. All I can do in a kitchen is bake desserts. Half of my cupboards are filled with sugar. - Do learn what kind of candy and flowers I like quickly. If I've told you I don't like roses (hate 'em) but I love tulips, don't send me roses. This just tells me you're not paying attention to what I've told you. I don't like that, either. - Don't ask me if you can try on my high heels. The guy who did that was out of my house about 15 seconds after asking that question. - Do make sure the fridge is stocked with water. - Do understand that I'm incredibly picky. - Do understand that my temper is fiery. I can go from nice to complete b*tch in less than 60 seconds. I can also go from b*tch to nice in less than 60 seconds. - Don't delete my TiVo'ed shows without permission. I know I've seen that episode of Law & Order 30 times, but I want to watch it another 30 times before I kill it. - Don't insult my friends behind their backs or to their face. Only I can do that. Feel free to insult your own friends. There's more, but my fingers are getting tired!
Well, with that list, you'd better get used to your fingers being tired. /Prays I never run into you at a bar
Wow. Some of us don't ask for a fraction of these things. (it's my cynical theory that guys actually like the picky types... as long as they're pretty... and if you're not, then it doesn't matter because you'll just get used anyway) Anyway, my version of your list: -financial security: at least have a job. If you want kids, plan how to support them. I'll pull my share of the weight, but you should too. (apparently Isabel didn't use to have that rule ) -It would be really cool if you were close to my height or taller, but it's not an absolute requirement. If you're the right person, I'm sure we could make it work. -I want to have kids, though not immediately. I just want to have them with someone whom I could share a positive experience with. -It's cool if you respect my career, but if you make me move or want me to be with the kids that's OK as long as you're making a good salary. It turned out I didn't even want the career I prepared myself for anyway. Also, I will always want to work at least part time (say, adjunct teaching) and participate in music ensembles. -If you hit me... I will kick your a$$. After I'm done with that, then I'll call the cops. Neither of us will want to come back for another round of that. Of course, I'm 5'11" and those types of guys just go pick an easier victim in the first place. -Respect me... no verbal abuse or emotional manipulation. In terms of the latter, been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, not going back. -The smothering thing... never had it happen. Guess it could get annoying. Bottom line - the same rules apply to you as to me. -When you call me a girlfriend is not a big issue. As long as I'm not a "friend with benefits". -There are some nicknames I don't like, including a common derivative of my real name (especially when spelled a certain way) that a lot of people really do go by. But, if you're being nice to me, you can pick your nickname and I'll be happy with it. -I only shop when I absolutely need something. It is a chore. It is not entertainment. -Be nice to my family and try to make friends with my friends. -I don't have any pets; would be too much baggage right now. (except for the kitty I've always talked about - I'll miss her, but Ferdinand needs her more than I do) -decorating - I'm flexible. Just don't like expensive or breakable things, since I don't and I think they make life difficult. -I can't expect you to cook any more than I can. Which isn't much, but I can do it if I need to. I should not be expected to be the main cook in the house. Cheap fast or frozen food is a reasonable way of feeding oneself. -Any kind of candy or flowers is fine... I would be like, wow, someone's being nice to me. The only kind I don't like is the kind that's supposed to make up for the guy being an a$$hole. -Good luck finding any high heels in my house. I don't think so. -I don't expect you to have certain stuff at your house for me - in the long run, though, it would make me feel better if you wanted to make me comfortable. Like having a couch for us to sit on together, or more than one set of dishes so I could eat dinner there without having to bring my own. -Hopefully I'm not a complete b*tch. If I'm a good friend and decent person, hopefully you will show me the same consideration. Actually, I probably don't ask for enough stuff... and I would totally freak out if someone were to be nice to me... hopefully I wouldn't run the other direction. I spent most of my adult life with someone who would have failed most of your criteria, and probably rightly so in a lot of those cases. Now this is true. Pay attention, guys.
As far as amfootball and Isabel demanding things....pffftt. Only playboy bunnies can make that list and actually recieving it in return.
I'll make a decent amount of money but I'll be spending most of on internet p*rn and fishing equipment. I'm 6'2 but if the bad guy sticks a knife on your throat and asks for the keys to the Vette you're on your own sweetie. I might want kids one day, but I don't change diapers, if dogs can be housebroken in 2 weeks so should they. I promise never to undermine the importance of being Hostess at the Ponderosa. I don't hit women, but I will verbally assault you every chance i get. You're just on your period. No Problem there, as long as I know you're bringing home Taco Bell. Noted, I have plenty of other names I can call you without prior permission. My ex-girlfriend never really warmed up to "Pussycakes" but you sound like an open minded cockflounder. You like to shop, I like to be home alone watching sports while you're shopping... no problem there. Dude, I love b****es. Dude, I love b****es. I work in a furniture store, and I can accessorize a room better than you anyway. But if you start matching Lavender and Periwinkle with Fuchsia and Salmon, I'm going to fling my wrist at you so hard Christopher Lowell will sue me for copyright infringement. Fair enough, maybe my other girlfriend will appreciate it. I keep a straight face whether I'm serious or not, so you'll know. But if your ass looks big in last year's dress and I say so... you know damn well you aren't going to like it. I cook 3 things... burritos, top ramen, and cereal. Learn how to love these 3 or learn how to cook. I'm a bachelor and I can survive on them longer than you. Yeah Yeah send you roses, I get the picture. Sometimes I like to get in touch with my feminine side, you'll think its cute ...but then I'll slap you with my penis in the morning to wake you up. Coors Light is close enough. Thats fine, I'm incredibly lazy. Thats fine, I can go from completely-toning-you-out to barely-giving-a-**** in less than 30 seconds. I'll watch that same episode of Law and Order 30 times with you, but I'll add the words "b****, Maw'****a, and Ho" to the end of every Ice-T sentence. I won't insult your friends as long as they aren't stuck up, ugly b****es.
This is ABSOLUTELY untrue! While I do agree that you do, indeed, buy them something that fits their personality ( a trait that I, Fatty, have obviously learned), When you are with a woman, they USUALLY (Izzy doesn't count) want to FEEL like a woman, and want to know that they are appreciated that way. When you buy that, it is not only for you, but for her; because she knows she's still wanted by you. Izzy hasn't felt that way for years, so you can hardly take her sounding as accurate.
One of the FEW blogs I read on myspace... If you haven't read his stuff, you're missing out. I'm a talker. Moe is a writer. Derek's future is with the pen. I'll get him the ladies.
