Another one: A woman dies. As her casket is being carried out of the funeral service, the pall bearers accidentally bump into a wall. Moments later, a light moaning is heard coming from inside of the coffin. It is opened and she is found alive. She lives 10 more years. At her second funeral service, another beautiful ceremony is held. As the pall bearers are readying to carry the casket out of the service, the husband is heard to say quite succinctly, "Watch the walls!"
I dont know why but I laughed pretty hard when I heard this one. Two cows walk into a bar, the first one says to the second one, You didnt see it either
A pony goes to the doctor's office and the doctor asks him, "what seems to be the problem." The pony responds, "I'm a little hoarse."
TOP 10 REASONS BASKETBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX... 10. BALL MOVEMENT IS KEY 9. YOU CAN SET IT UP OR GO FOR THE FASTBREAK 8. IF YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU CAN CALL A 20 SECOND TIMEOUT 7. THERE IS A COACH TELLING YOU WHEN TO "TAKE IT TO THE HOLE" 6. BEING DOUBLE-TEAMED IS COMMON 5. YOU CAN PASS IT OFF, SO YOUR BUDDY CAN SCORE 4. IF SCOUTS LIKE YOUR PERFORMANCE, YOU TURN PRO 3. YOU KNOW YOU ARE DONE WHEN THE HORN SOUNDS 2. YOU ALWAYS TRY TO SCORE WITHIN 24 SECONDS 1. THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WITH A TOWEL TO CLEAN UP ANY WET SPOTS
My personal favorite: On a windy day, three pieces of string are floating down the sidewalk and land in front of the door to a bar. One of the strings says, "Man, a cold beer sure sounds good; I'm gonna go get me one." He floats into the bar and says to the bartender, "give me a cold longneck." The bartender says, "we don't serve your kind here," and he grabs the string and throws him into the trash. The second string, not undaunted, says, "damnit! I want a drink too, and I'm gonna get me one," so he floats through the door and right up to the barteder and says, "give me shot of tequila, and make it snappy!" The bartender looks at the string and says, "I've told you strings before: we don't serve your kind here," and he grabs the string and throws him into the trash. The third string thinks to himself that a nice drink sure would be good, so he ties himself into a tight knot and rolls one of his ends back and forth across the sidewalk until it's completely frayed, then he floats up to the bartender and asks for a gin and tonic. The bartender looks him over and asks, "Say.....you're not one of those strings, are you?" The string looks at the bartender and says, "No...I'm a frayed knot." ("No...I'm afraid not" for those of you who are a little slower)
2 corn cobs were walking downtown and the first cob noticed that they were being followed by another strange cob everywhere they went. The first cob whispered to the second cob "Don't look know but I think we are being followed by a stalker"
A man goes to see a psychiatrist. He tells him, "I've been having these really weird dreams recently. Two nights ago I dreamt I was a tepee! Last night I dreamt I was a wigwam!" The psychiatrist says, "I know what your problem is. You're too tense." (too tense <-> two tents … get it?)
A 3 legged doq walks into a bar and says, "Who shot my paw?" When I was little, my sister fell out of the tree. I called 119 but no one came. Bad, I know.
An Aussie, a Chinese man, and an Irishman are walking in the woods one day and come across a cliff with a wizard standing on the edge. He says, "Jump off this cliff and whatver you want the most just shout it out and you will land on it.". The Aussie jumps first and yells out "GOLD!", and he lands in masses of gold. The Chinese man jumps second and yells out "MONEY!", and lands on a large pile of money. Finally, the Irishman jumps off and screams, "WEEEEEE!".
My Favorite Joke is: Mickey and Minnie mouse are in court trying to get a divorce. The judge then says te Mickey Mouse, you can't divorce your wife because she's insane. Mickey then replies "NO! I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was Fu#$ing Goofy!!!" That always cracks me up...
Fadeaway, can you help the man? Do you remember the controversy, some years ago now, about the Newfoundland (and Labrador) fishermen harvesting baby seals by beating their skulls in with clubs? It's about that.
Since someone else has bravely mentioned they don't get a joke, I'll say it too. I don't get it. I mean I understand 119 is 911 reversed but what's the joke. Is it a joke about dyslexia?
