[ONION] Docs Reveal Gaps in W's service as President

WASHINGTON, DC—Freshly unearthed public documents, ranging from newspapers to cabinet-meeting minutes, seem to indicate large gaps in George W. Bush's service as president, a spokesman for the watchdog group Citizens for an Informed Society announced Monday.

"We originally invoked the Freedom Of Information Act to request material relating to Bush's spotty record while in office," CIS director Catherine Rocklin said. "But then we realized that the information was readily available at the corner newsstand, on the Internet, and from our friends and neighbors who pay attention to the news."

According to Rocklin, the most damning documents were generated at roughly one-day intervals during a period beginning in January 2001 and ending this week. The document's sources include, but are not limited to, the U.S. newspaper The New York Times, the London-based Economist magazine, and the well-known international business and finance record, The Wall Street Journal.

"Factual data presented in these publications indicates that Bush took little or no action on issues as widely varied as the stalled economy, increasing violence in post-war Iraq, and the lagging public education system," Rocklin said. "The newsprint documents also reveal huge disparities between the ways Bush claimed to have served Medicare patients, and what he actually did."

Democratic vice-presidential nominee John Edwards said he was not surprised by the report.

"These documents reconfirm what they told us the first time we saw them," Edwards said while stumping for Kerry in Ohio. "Namely, that our president was seriously negligent during the three and a half years he was supposed to be serving his country."

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) is one of many Republicans who demanded an independent investigation into the authenticity of the documents.

"We're fairly confident that these so-called 'news stories' will turn out to be partisan smear tactics," DeLay said. "I wouldn't be surprised if all 11 billion of these words turn out to be forgeries. For thousands of reporters, editors, and government officials to claim that Bush compromised the security and fiscal health of this nation is not merely anti-American, but also dangerous."

In addition to the media documents, CIS examined more than 20,000 government records, which ranged from U.S. Department of Labor unemployment reports to transcripts of State Of The Union addresses.

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Kerry is so boss...

Kerry: I'll Kill Bin Laden with My Bare Hands

(2004-09-24) -- As part of his continued effort to portray himself as tougher on terrorism than President Bush, Democrat rival John Forbes Kerry said today, "When I'm President of the United States, I will kill Usama bin Laden with my own bare hands."

"George W. Bush let bin Laden escape from Tora Bora, because Bush never served in combat," said Mr. Kerry, a professional Vietnam veteran who is also a U.S. Senator. "When I'm president I will make it my personal priority to track down bin Laden and slay him with these mighty, sinewy hands."

Mr. Kerry said he would "hunt bin Laden like a migratory waterfowl--pursuing him on bicycle, windsurfing board, skis and even my family's SUV if necessary. Yes, I'm so serious about defending America from terror that I'm willing to sully the atmosphere for a time, if that's what it takes."

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