One more... I don't know how many times I've heard this, but whenever people find out that I'm a vegetarian, they invariably say, "Oh, you're a vegetarian. But, you still eat fish?" At one upscale restaurant where we had a family get-together, the waitress said about our pre-arranged meal, "We were told that you (my wife and I) are vegetarians so we have prepared something different for you." The first dish - lobster bisque. I told her that we were vegetarians. She said, "I know. That is why we brought seafood." I said, "Fish is meat also." She looked puzzled. I said, "Look, we don't eat anything with a face." That solved it. ------------------ Save Our Rockets and Comets SaveOurRockets.com
Ok, ok, just one more... My sister-in-law told my wife that she wanted to take a 2-hour introduction to swing dancing class with her boyfriend, but she was concerned. After apparently watching one too many Gap commercials, she said, "I'm afraid we might get hurt doing all those leaps and throws." ------------------ Save Our Rockets and Comets SaveOurRockets.com
My friend Brandon just bought a house. He moved in a few weeks ago and was finally settled to take down the wallpaper this 3 day weekend. He rented some steamer contraption for $61.00. The machine didn't work. He took it back, and the owner of the shop asked "what do you think is fair?". What do you think is fair? WTF? They (Brandon & his wife) told me he shook his head in disgust when they asked for their money back. I would have added insult to injury by asking for additional money carting their stupid machine back and forth. What a joke. ------------------
I used to work with a good doctor without a lot of common sense. We gave new pagers to the doctors, replacing the old slip in the charger types with regular numeric pagers. One day this doctor came to me angry, threw the pager at me, and said, "This pager doesn't work. It worked fine for a month. Now for a week it goes "beep beep" every fifteen minutes and no one's there. Now it doesn't work at all. Fix it!!" I gave it back to his secretary with a box of batteries and asked her to put in a "replacement part" the next time it started beeping. ------------------ Stay Cool...
When I worked on an ambulance, a sixteen year old said "Please don't tell my parents. I don't want them to find out I'm on the football team." This after he just broke his arm in front of a few thousand people at the high school varsity football game. ------------------ Stay Cool...
One of my wife's co-workers said she was going to sue the company because she was looking for a new job and was having trouble. As it turns out, she is way overpaid and would have to take a huge paycut (due to her limited skills) elsewhere. So, she threatened to sue. ------------------ Talking to a dead hare about art
A guy I know from school has said a few funny things: Guy: Have you seen Adolfo XII?" Me: What the heck is that? Guy: You know that movie? The one with Tom Hanks. Me: Do you mean Apollo XIII? Guy: Yeah, that's it! This other time he got hit on his funny bone and thought he got an electric shock. Guy: So, Mr. <teacher name here>, do we heat the plastic petri dish over the bunsen burner? No? Damn it! Too late! Argggh! Teacher: So, now that we have been able to make a vehicle go faster than the speed of sound- Guy:What??!?!? Yeah right. That's impossible. How can you go faster than the speed of sound. He goes on to make "Ah" noises and "follows" the sound with his hand using swift motion, as if to measure the speed of sound. Kagy, sorry but I'm going to have to admit I'm stupid. I don't get the first one. Either that or I don't know how they calculate electric bills... ------------------ Nederland 2002 Qualifying Campaign (Damn those penalties!!!) Houston Rockets Space Center- Not just another ClutchCity.NET clone. We're that and more!
when you show up to work with soaked shoulders and pant legs, and the bald guy asks, "Is it raining out?" ------------------ Clutch Goons, Inc.
Disclaimer: No politics unless it really was stupid. In other words, something totally outlandish is fine, but don't quote a standard political slogan or whatever just because you disagree with it. Here are my favorites: * I got my first electric bill for my new apartment a couple weeks back. It was $28.26 for two weeks. I mentioned that to a co-worker, and he said "Yeah, probably cost you about $75 a month or so". I didn't have the heart to ask him how $28 for two weeks would end up equaling $75 for four weeks. * A co-worker of mine was told that he should accept a new position at a lower salary because that way, he would be able to get larger raises. In other words, "If we give you ten M&M's now, we can only give you two M&M's at year's end. If we give you SEVEN M&M's now, though, we'll be able to give you FOUR at year's end!" I am not making that one up, except for the M&M part. ------------------ There's nothing like the NET... clutchcity.net
I'd have to echo: A guy that tried to hire me actually said that to me. If we start you off at this smaller rate, we'll be able to *boom* give you a bigger raise at this point. When I asked what that raise was, I found out they were essentially asking me to merely postpone my salary demands by a year. What a joke. The dumbest things said are when people think that they've figured your habits out. People map out these whole huge causal connections that don't exist. "Oh, you don't eat red meat, eh? So do you chain yourself to trees? You ride public transit everywhere, huh?". WTF? LOL. ------------------
I love that salary line ("We don't want to start you too high, because then there wouldn't be room to grow..."). I've heard that one, too. My advice: When an employer or prospective employer uses this line on you, take note. It means that (a) they think you're too stupid to see through it, and therefore (b) they're trying to hire people who are too stupid to see through it, and therefore (c) if you take the job, you will be working under liars and alongside idiots. Just for laughs, here's an idea: When they give you the "bigger raise" line, nod gratefully and tell them that in return, you'll start off working 25 hours a week so you can give them more and more work each year.
Our department runs a small garage that is in the basement of one building. I spoke with a very angry customer one time who was concerned about the paint on top of his car. It seems every time he entered the garage, this sign at the entrance hit the top of his Suburban. Once or twice, a bolt from the overhead sprinkler system nicked his luggage rack. Plus, he had to swing wide to get under the exit gate arm. His main concern was the sign at the entrance, which he thought should be raised so that it wouldn't hit peoples cars. He couldn't read what it said, but it was a hazzard. I asked him if he meant the low clearance sign (White, with six inch letters that say "Warning! 6'3" Clearance"). After a long pause he said, "Um. Yeah. it must be that one." Turns out he was coming here for eye surgery. ------------------ Stay Cool...
We once had a valet employee spotted on a Sunday afternoon in uniform, in a blue Mercedes, "cruising for chicks." We checked, and that driver was "working" and had parked a blue Mercedes, with that license, (which took over an hour to get to the garage). When our head of security confronted him, telling him he had been seen in a customers car he broke down, sobbing and apolozing. The security director asked him to explain what happened. He said, "I'm sorry. Sunday morning I took a white Lexus for a ride. I swear, it was the only time -- I'll never do it again." He was terminated anyway. ------------------ Stay Cool...
After an entire day of Southwestern Bell attempting and failing to get my DSL service working on my Mac, I decided to call a Macintosh specialist and have them come out to my house for $110. Anything to get the damn DSL working. Upon telling SWB that I would do this rather than continue to stay on the phone with them (at this point, I had been on for about 8 hours!), the supervising tech said, "Could you call us back and tell us what he does to fix it so we will know what to do next time?" By the way, the Mac guy came out and took about 10 seconds to configure my computer. He felt so bad for charging so much for so little, he hung around for about 30 minutes and did maintenance on my computer. ------------------ Save Our Rockets and Comets SaveOurRockets.com
In "Bring on the Night," the documentary film about Sting, one of his back-up singers explained that she used to work at an escort service as a receptionist. It was her job to book appointments and describe their "services." She said, "I had to answer 3 lines which each had call waiting which meant I actually had to answer 8 lines." I'm not great at math, but... ------------------ Save Our Rockets and Comets SaveOurRockets.com
I was in line at the grocery store about six months ago. I was cooking dinner for a date, and I was making Salad Nicoise. One of the items I purchased for the salad was a jar of hearts of palm. As the checkout lady was ringing me up, the teenager bagging my groceries stopped at the jar of hearts of palm and began staring at it. "Uuuuh, hey mistah! What are these?" he asked. "They're hearts of palm" I replied. "Whuuuuuut?" he said. "HEARTS OF PALM" I said a little louder. "Do yuh eat them?" he asked. "Yes" I replied. "What do they taste like?" he asked. "They taste like artichoke hearts" I replied. "Oooooh" came the reply. He continued bagging my groceries for approximately ten seconds, until he spoke up again. "Heeey Mistah! Whut's an ark-i-choke heart?" he asked. I looked up from writing my check and took off my sunglasses. I had reached my breaking point. "Can I ask you a question?" I asked the kid. "Sure mistah" he replied. "What high school do you go to?" I asked. "I go to Madison High" he replied. "Why do you want to know?" As I gathered my grocery bags and prepared to walk out, I replied "because if I ever have kids, I want to make sure they don't go there!" ------------------ This is my dog. This is my pony. And now, on with the show!!!!
Will: I cannot comment any further on my work situation since I'm using my real name here (darn it, I should have been ROCKOBOOSTER2000 or something). Suffice it to say, that salary suggestion was not made accidentally. It was intentional. Ace: Think about it. $28 for two weeks. Four weeks and three days (typically) in a month. 28*2 = 56. We'll round up to $60. That's considerably less than $75. ------------------ There's nothing like the NET... clutchcity.net
I was at a college bowl game a few years ago, and was walking around the hotel in my usual college garb...Notre Dame t-shirt and shorts. So, I hopped on the elevator with some chickie decked out in University of Miami garb. She looked like she might have been old enough to be a student there. I can tell she's looking at me, and finally she asks, "Notre Dame. I've heard of that school. Where is it at?" I replied, "Indiana." Her response? "India....wow!" Suffice it so say that my children will not be attending either Miami or Madison High! ------------------
Kagy, Thought so. I just thought there might be something I did not see. Guess it would be strange for you to suddenly have your electric bill go up by $19 relative to the first two weeks. ------------------ Nederland 2002 Qualifying Campaign (Damn those penalties!!!) Houston Rockets Space Center- Not just another ClutchCity.NET clone. We're that and more!
This is more like the stupidest thing I've ever heard done. My wife is a pharmacist and worked at Eckerds on Mason Road when we lived in Houston. One day, she fills a script for suppositories for some customer. This was back when patient counseling was not required and she figured that everybody knows what to do with a suppository. Wrong. The guy opens the container, unwraps the foil, walks over to the drinking fountain, and washes it down. ------------------
