espn article - Bill Simmons

To the Lakers' fans. If you think your boys improved by swapping Trevor Ariza (a 24-year-old who came into his own this past spring, shot 45 percent from 3-point land, came through repeatedly in the clutch, turned into the NBA's single best defensive swingman and doesn't care about his numbers) for Ron Artest (an unreliable 29-year-old head case/attention hog who slipped noticeably as a perimeter defender these past two seasons and has a knack for taking terrible shots at the worst possible times), then absolutely, you're on drugs. I don't know what else to tell you. Your team is worse. I'm sorry. And that's before we get into the whole "Is Lamar Odom coming back?" and "Do you really want to commit to an aging Artest for FIVE years?" questions.



3. Some of the stuff that happens is good for a few people to know about, as opposed to, say ... a million people.



To Artest. Here's a classic case of someone hoodwinking the American public with a 10-year pattern of bizarre behavior that eventually immunized them to all future crazy Ron Artest stories and anecdotes, such as the fact that he's wearing No. 37 to honor Michael Jackson because it's the same number of weeks that "Thriller" led the charts (um, what?), or his recent revelation that he had been pining to play for the Lakers for two solid years. Artest told reporters that he wandered into the Lakers' locker room to express that desire to a showering Kobe Bryant -- right after L.A.'s bitter Game 6 thrashing in Boston in the 2008 Finals, no less -- adding, "Yeah, I walked in the shower. I'm not a homosexual or nothing like that, but Kobe had no clothes on."



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These anecdotes just bounce off people now. Artest is a benevolent crazy. Or so we think. Being around this nuttiness every day is a little different from merely hearing about the nuttiness in secondhand anecdotes. I know for a fact he routinely broke plays on offense and is still a handful behind the scenes, and the Rockets buried every 2008-09 story that would have made this patently clear. For instance, Artest routinely walked around in his underwear in public places: the Rockets' team bus, hotels, you name it. People around the team barely flinched after a while. Before Game 7 of the Lakers series -- only the biggest game of the entire season -- they finally flinched.



Here's what happened: Artest missed the first two team buses (the ones for players, coaches and team personnel) from Houston's hotel to the Staples Center and barely made the third and final bus, which was reserved for business staff, sponsors and friends of the team. These stunned people watched Artest sprint to the bus right before it left, jump on and take one of the remaining seats ... yes, wearing only his underwear. Owner Leslie Alexander happened to be sitting on the bus and witnessed the whole thing. And you wonder why the Houston Rockets didn't make any effort whatsoever to bring back Artest.



[+] EnlargeAndrew D. Bernstein/Getty Images
Despite what Lakers fans might think, Ron Artest is not an upgrade over Ariza.(Note: If you want to make the "Kobe and Phil can keep him in check much like MJ and Phil kept Rodman in check" argument, just remember Rodman was still a world-class defender and rebounder when Chicago acquired him. Artest is neither. If anything, his athleticism is slipping and he can't defend quick small forwards anymore. So why even risk it? Wait, why am I complaining? Thank you for screwing up your title defense, Lakers!)



4. How old are you?
Eighteen.
Me, too!
How old are we really?
Seventeen.
Me, too!
Actually, I'm 16.
Me too. Isn't it funny? The truth just sounds different.
I'm 15.



To Ariza's agent, the immortal David Lee, who stupidly played hardball with L.A. and ignored the glaring "Plan B: Ron Artest" warning signs that had been flashing for two solid years. For the same money L.A. initially offered him, Ariza downgraded from Kobe and Gasol to T-Mac's microfracture surgeon and Yao's foot surgeon. It's too bad Lee isn't representing free-agent forward David Lee -- it would be the perfect storm of "no leverage" and "no agent savvy." He'd end up signing a nonguaranteed contract with the Globetrotters.



5. What, are you like the star of your school?
They hate me.
You'll meet them all again on their long journey to the middle.



To Houston GM Daryl Morey for landing Ariza (the quintessential athletic swingman who can play defense and hit 3s in the playoffs) for the full midlevel exception before he even hits his mid-20s. Total steal. The Rockets continue to assemble value assets to package for the inevitable "New Orleans needs to dump an unhappy Chris Paul" or "Toronto is having a Chris Bosh fire sale" trades, so for anyone who feels bad for Dork Elvis because he was crippled by the contracts of T-Mac (expiring this season) and Yao (expiring in 2011), think again. By the way, there's no better yearbook quote for a high school outcast than this one ...