This one from Rebecca Koehler: She said, "I was watching Wheel of Fortune one day and this lady came on and said, 'Pat, it's always been my dream to be on the wheel of fortune. Thank you for making my dream come true.'" "I was like wow, that's a nice dream, that's a great dream. Maybe when she dies and goes to heaven she can look up Martin Luther King and they could talk about the dreams they had while they were on Earth. And she'd be like, 'Oh, your was a good one, but mine came true."
A man comes home from the bar so drunk, he can't operate the key to the front door. He bangs at the door, and his wife comes down to open it. "Stanley, you drunk! It's three in the morning, and you've thrown up on yourself!" "No dear, as I was leaving the bar this young man came up and threw up on me. He left twenty bucks in my shirt pocket for the dry cleaning bill." She reaches in and pulls out the cash: "Stanley, there's forty dollars here!" "Oh yeah, he also **** my pants."
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Not a joke but True story I met some girl at the grocery store a few years ago. She was visibly frustrated because she couldn't find something. She said the employees she asked were of no help. Well now I'm curious so I asked what she was looking for. She said "scratch". I've never heard of it and asked what do you do with it and she said, make biscuits, bread...all kinds of things. I knew then she wasn't the brightest
I saw that same chick looking at a frozen orange juice can for over ten minutes. When I asked her if she was okay she said the can said, "concentrate."
Three little old ladies sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. A guy comes by, stands in front of them and opens his trenchcoat wearing nothing underneath. The first little old lady has a stroke. Then the 2nd little old lady has a stroke too. But the the third little old lady's arms just weren't long enough.
An old man hobbles among his friends and companions in the recreational area of the senior-living home where they live. He approaches one of his friends and says, "Today's my birthday! Guess how old I am today!" His friend looks at him and says, "I guess you're 78." The man says, "Nope! I'm 84!" He proudly walks to another man and says again, "Today's my birthday! Guess how old I am!" The man says, "Well, you look like you're 77." The man says, "Nope! I'm 84!" The man then walks across the room to a little old lady and says it again, "Today's my birthday! Guess how old I am today!". The little old lady looks at him with a kind, sweet smile and says nothing. She reaches forward, unzips the zipper of his pants, and reaches in. She grabs his package and thinks carefully. After a few seconds she looks at him and says, "You're 84." The man says, "That's amazing! How did you figure out that I'm 84?!?" The old lady says, " I heard you tell that man over there."
