[CBS satire] Teammates Smoke Yao's Stash of Chinese Herbs

Teammates Smoke Yao's Stash of Chinese Herbs Used to Treat Season-Ending Foot Injury


March 11, 2008
By The Sportsman's Daily
Special to CBSSports.com


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HOUSTON (Sportsman's Daily Wire Service) -- Following surgery last week to repair a stress fracture in his left foot, Houston Rocket's center Yao Ming received a package containing an assortment of ancient herbal remedies delivered by Chinese officials hoping to speed the NBA star's recovery in time for the Beijing Olympics.

"Chinese herbs will help Yao Ming's recovery," Hu Jiashi, deputy director of the Chinese Basketball Association, told the Beijing News. "Unless of course he continues to pollute his body, mind and soul with Western fast food, imperialist poison served up by his plutocratic slave-masters." (When told that Yao has a multi-million dollar endorsement deal with McDonalds, Hu enigmatically smiled, produced a Big Mac from thin air, polished it off in six stoic bites, then cracked off a defiant snort of flatulence).

The powdered herbal compounds are meant to be mixed in water or sprinkled on food and ingested. Unfamiliar with traditional Chinese remedies and its herb-based medicinal protocols, several Rockets helped themselves to roughly a quarter ounce of "what looked like seedless, high grade herb" and proceeded to light up.

"It's a very different high, sort of an Eastern, yin-yang thing. It comes on real slow, you're kickin' it, when, boom, you feel like you just got clocked by a Shaq forearm and the room shatters into millions of itty bitty shining stars," said a Rockets player who asked that his name be withheld. "Real trippy herb -- I wouldn't advise you play any of them real violent video games until your head's right. I was on level three of Grand Theft Auto and all of a sudden I'm buggin' -- I ran half naked into the street and tried holding up a convenience store with my joystick. Thankfully a fan recognized me and hustled me out the store before I could do anything stupid."

Chinese Herbal Medicine is the oldest practiced medicine and goes back more than 5,000 years. Often, the same herbal remedy is used for a multitude of ailments, from asthma to sexual dysfunction. This was also the case with the Rockets players who randomly "dipped" into Yao's stash, as no two experienced the same effects: Tracy McGrady claimed it loosed up his chronically sore back and made him regular, Rafer Alston surprised reporters by channeling Confucius during a pre-game interview, and living up to his surname, guard Luther Head was attacked by an extreme case of the munchies and ordered $285 worth of take-out.

David Stern's office is looking into the package sent to Yao to determine if it contains anything that violates league drug policy.

"Our preliminary lab analysis reveals traces of Da Ji, Fu Ling, Du Huo, Long Gu and Da Huang -- all standard Chinese herbs," said Dr. Aric Shang, a chemist employed by the NBA. "So far we haven't found anything suspicious, but knowing the commissioner as I do, I wouldn't want to be in Yao Ming's boots should we find any traces of MSG. The commissioner is violently allergic -- his head and tongue swells -- and has categorically banned it from the office."

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http://www.sportsline.com/spin/story/10702256

 

hahah Yeah, I liked the NBA drug policy violation

"David Stern's office is looking into the package sent to Yao to determine if it contains anything that violates league drug policy."