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[AMA] The Great Depression And Anxiety Thread

Discussion in 'BBS Hangout' started by da_juice, Jan 22, 2020.

  1. da_juice

    da_juice Member

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    I'm not one to minch words:
    I tried to kill myself at about 3 AM on Thursday, 1/16. Those of you who are D&D residents may have noticed my posting seem off. Thats why lol.

    I failed, obviously, and ended up spending the holiday weekend in the psych ward. After having my worst fear happen (institutionalization)- everything seems relative.

    Anyway, I wanted to make this thread for anyone dealing with anything. Want to drunk rage post about something? Vent here. Want advice? Hit me up. All I ask is that if you want to mock me or suicide or mental hospitals you do it in another thread.

    Peace, love, and the Houston Rockets (who may give me a heart attack after surviving a suicide attempt. My access to the outside was very limited this weekend but I got the Laker Rockets game on my ticker. All I gotta say is, Tillman is lucky I discovered what REALLY matters in this life or he'd be dealing with my antics).
     
  2. B-Bob

    B-Bob my celli weighs a ton
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    Pulling for you, da_juice, to get to a more peaceful place in life.

    No judgment here. Please try if you can not to judge yourself.

    the brain is an infinitely tricky thing with many possible paths, I’m convinced.

    also, sorry I’m not following the rules of your thread exactly. I could rage about assholes in San Francisco and how durned unpleasant the city can be, even on beautiful days.
     
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  3. Invisible Fan

    Invisible Fan Insider Newsletter™ 2X Diamond Member

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    I hope you get some relief, da juice. The amount of pressure we place upon ourselves is sometimes ridiculously unfair, chronic and unseen.

    It also takes a long bit of time figuring out how both your mind and body handles different treatments and neurochemicals.

    Best wishes
     
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  4. Jontro

    Jontro Member

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    you aite breh. hope putting things in perspective will make things better.

    if you wanna follow a team and feel good, liverpool fc is team right now. the houston tillmens will do you no favors
     
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  5. JayZ750

    JayZ750 Contributing Member

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    Try meditation.

    but really try it not half ass.

    Its not just mumbo jumbo.
     
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  6. malakas

    malakas Member

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    Many years ago I had a bout of severe depression due to existential anxiety.

    The worst time was the sunsets.
    Every time dusk came it felt like the god of death was upon my head giving me his sentence. Like the light of the sky died down and became dark it was like an omen of my own end, the neverending night. I was facing my worst fear every day... Who said that sunsets are romantic?

    Slowly without realising there seemed to develop an armour around me of unfeeling.
    Everything I used to like and enjoy coudn't touch me. Life itself had lost its taste. All was numb except the pain and panic inside.

    I looked everywhere for a solution, an answer . But everyone around me was like an ostrich with their head burried in the sand.
    Oblivious while heading straight to the inevitable destruction. Keeping themselves busy with little things refusing to accept the vanity of existence.
    "You are fine" "You have everything you need" "It's all in your head" a shake of the head, a roll of the eyes. Everywhere- a wall from friends and family.

    I went to visit a couple of experts in my town. Right from the first couple of visits I heard "We can't do anything for you but if you want you can try this drug"
    No thanx.

    I was extremely dissappointed and betrayed. The people who were supposed to be my emotional supports couldn't understand me like I was speaking gibberish. Even the so called experts they were like charlatans only wanting to fill their pockets by selling drugs.

    The worst part was the fear and worry in the eyes of my family. They couldn't understand me. Is she crazy?

    At that point - ridiculous to say now, but I was much younger and ignorant - I really felt that I was the only human in the world who feeled like that.
    To face death in the eyes is horrific..but to be alone on top of it? That's a tragedy.

    Long story short by accident or luck I did find a shoulder to lean on. A rope to keep me connected with humanity. That was literature and art.

    No matter how feeble it was , it was COMFORT to know that someone somewhere shared your pain. Even if they weren't here or even in this world anymore. It was a connection.

    Everyone is walking on their own road of thorns. But it is comfort to know that next to you in a parallel road there is another traveller who carry their own pain. Not the same but similar.

    I hope you can also find your own lighthouse. Faith, love, art..the light of hope

    You are already out there looking for it judging by this thread. So you aren't that bad.
    No. you are here and trying so I would say you are doing pretty good.

    Keep walking.
     
  7. malakas

    malakas Member

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    damn..that was too much personal information and now I feel exposed.

    However no matter what if it can help a bit it is worth it no matter how bad I feel now. This is my gift to you OP so please accept it.
     
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  8. da_juice

    da_juice Member

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    Thanks malakas, it does.

    Exposure can be rough and that's more so what I'm dealing with. I feel great, I'm on the right meds. But being in basically 72 hour long therapy session is a lot.

    I find myself crying yesterday and today- but more out of pure emotion than anything else.

    I had a 19 year old girl on our unit who went from screaming/crying to the point they had to restrain her from hurting herself to being bubbly and happy and ready to go home because I reached out to her. She told me I saved her life & we plan on keeping in touch. She's like my new little sister.

    It's strange because I'm happy about her but I always get just a cluster of raw emotions talking about it. I'm choking up now writing this.

    I think I could live to 100 and never do anything as great as I did by helping her
     
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  9. da_juice

    da_juice Member

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    I should also mention that instiutionalization was overwhelmingly positive and I learned a lot of great coping skills and basically have a brand new and more optimistic view on life
     
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  10. RedRedemption

    RedRedemption Contributing Member

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    I've been there. Haven't went as far, but it helped me gain a lot of perspective of what matters in life. That's when I started frequenting this place a lot less (it had nothing to do with CFans), and enjoying life a bit more.
     
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  11. da_juice

    da_juice Member

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    Same here bro! That may also be a product of us getting older.

    Can you believe weve both been here a decade?
     
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  12. Rodman23

    Rodman23 .GIF

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    I’ve dealt with a lot of depression through out my life. My dog helps more than anything
     
  13. malakas

    malakas Member

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    wow.. You really did an impressive job giving a helping hand to a person in the middle of what seems like a panic attack. I had one(only one thank god) once back then when I was in my worst and I can tell you it's really hard to get through.

    Who said that you can't do anything as great in your life again? You can make a difference in the world and touch many lives in the future.
    This is only the beginning.

    Instead of something to hide and be ashamed of, this can be a chance to grow and learn. What doesn't kill us make us stronger.
    It's only a matter of perspective.
    You have a lot to offer and people's lives to touch like this girl.
     
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  14. cheke64

    cheke64 Member

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    Stay away from fast food, melatonin, and hangovers. That's usually when I feel my lowest. Find ways to increase your seratonin production.
     
  15. ThatBoyNick

    ThatBoyNick Member

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    Since this is an AMA, I'm curious about something but I am not sure if I'm going to be able to convey it well over text, If it makes you feel uncomfortable or the thoughts bring you down in any way just ignore the post and I apologize in advance.

    Did you ever truly think you would attempt to kill your self before the actual attempt? Was it a spur of the moment escalation that retroactively you would say took you by surprise somewhat? Or was it a long drawn out process of being somewhere very dark that you knew could seriously lead you to that point?

    Death is something I'm terrified of, but also something I fantasize about and wish for often at the same time, I don't feel like suicide is something I could ever do despite my fantasies, I've never taken it too seriously, I'm not sure if where I'm at is a dangerous place that could suddenly escalate, or if it's just me bullshitting and having self-pity which I feel is something common for many people.

    I hope you can find peace with your life OP.
     
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  16. ThatBoyNick

    ThatBoyNick Member

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    Don't worry, we're still within the anonymity of the internet, any day can just abandon our accounts, start a new one, and it would be as if nothing happened. Or even just abandon the site, knowing this is always a possibility, knowing nobody on here knows who I am in real life despite the personal things I post, gives me more comfort when **** posting, you're more than welcome to take full liberty of this fact in the D&D ;)
     
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  17. Xerobull

    Xerobull Contributing Member
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    Wow man...I am so sorry that you’re going through this.

    Not spewing corporate mumbo-jumbo, the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People changed the way I live my life and has helped me out of some dark spots.

    What I found the most poignant is that it teaches you that you start working in your life by working on yourself, then focusing on those closest to you, then further out acquaintances, etc. What this means is that you have to stop worrying about **** like the news until you have a firm foundation.

    [​IMG]

    Where you're at, you should really just focus on your circle of control. That's the things you can directly affect like the people directly around you and your choices on a day to day basis. As you grow and heal, you can start to look at the influence. You should really ignore the concern- that's D&D topic crap. There's nothing you can do about that stuff, so let it go.

    I’ll buy you a copy if you’re interested and will really read it. Just send me a pm with your info.
     
    #17 Xerobull, Jan 23, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2020
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  18. J.R.

    J.R. Contributing Member

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    Removed
     
    #18 J.R., Jan 23, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2020
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  19. malakas

    malakas Member

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    heh I considered it for a second there, to just say screw this and create a new account but then you think I wouldn't be found out?

    Just when the trade deadline comes I will be found out in about 5 minutes just by the amount of posts. LOL
    But nah ..
    Sharing is for some easy but for me is extremely difficult. If there hadn't been some time passed since then and I didn't think I could be of some assistance no matter how small I wouldn't have posted anything.

    It's not just the OP.
    For every poster, there can be 10 lurkers who are just reading.
    What if some of them are like me back then and think they are all alone in their suffer?

    If it was me back then it would have been some comfort to read others sharing.
    That's what I thought.
     
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  20. da_juice

    da_juice Member

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    Its funny, I remember going through the options and deoiberately avoiding stuff that would have killed
     
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