Sorry about the vagueness of the title, but I'm really at a loss at the moment and am seeking advice, if any is available. I am 30, was adopted at birth to wonderful parents and grew up not knowing the identity of my birth mom. I grew up an only child as my mom struggled with fertility issues. Always wondered about birth mom, but never asked thinking my mom would get upset and think she wasn't adequate. Fast forward to present time. I am 8 years into a career, married with 2 wonderful boys. Now I have those same feelings but with a bit of backing as I know no family's history, medical, ect. Tried finding out info on my own, but struck out legally bc the records are sealed and I do not have the power to open them. Finally talked to my mom about it. She cried but said she understood and she thought this day may come. She said she talked to the lady 1 time after I was born and they agreed not to seek each other out, and only bring it up if I was the one asking. When I was adopted the birth mom already had a 3 year old boy, meaning I had a sibling out there somewhere. My mom said she looked her up recently and found her on Facebook. SHe told me her name and we agreed to look together. I honestly didn't feel much emotion seeing her. She looked like me a bit but I didn't see a family member so to speak. Then we saw her son, who is now 33. Found out with both pursued baseball in college and played at neighboring schools. He also has 2 kids and is married. That's when I got emotionally. This guy could be my twin physically. Same features and all. My wife was blown away and spent the evening comparing. He grew up an only child as well and she never married. So now it gets tricky. How do I approach this situation? Do I approach her first or him? Does he even know his mom had another child? My mom just asked that whatever I do I keep her involved, which of course I would respect. She apparently lives and works in east Texas and as far as I can tell, he lives about 15 minutes from my on the South side of Houston and actually has 2 mutual friends with me on Facebook. I'm just blown away, I have a sibling. They look like me, I have never seen (until 2 hours ago) a person who looks like me! Thoughts?
You have your to go through your birth mother. She deserves to be involved in process as much as your mom does. IF that doesn't work, you can go around her, but try the "right" way first. Congrats and good luck
I would approach the mom first then let her introduce you two if things turn out well. You might not feel anything now, but who knows what happens when this picture and name becomes a real person.
Maybe just be straight forward. Be the first one to approach your brother I think. He is a grown man and 3 years older than you from what you said. You can also go through your birth mother. She has her own opinion. If she is ok with it, go on approaching your brother then. He will be surprised (a new fam member) but I think he will be mature enough and take it composedly.
okay, have to admit I laughed. Which is totally inappropriate. Sorry OP. As far as OP's question, I think I agree with the folks who say to try and go through your birth mother first. Exhaust that possibility first. Not sure how I would feel if I was the brother and had someone contact me out of the blue if I had no inkling of the adoption. Best to give the mother a chance to explain that to her son first. Good luck!
I would reach out to your birth mother first. You have no idea what the story/situation was when she gave you up, and at the end of the day she was the one that brought you into the world. See if she's receptive to meeting you. If she is there's the opportunity that she'll introduce you to your brother. If she's not receptive to meeting with you then reach out to your brother. I would also keep in mind how hard all of this is going to be on your parents (especially your mom). At the end of the day she's your mom!!! She's the one who raised you, nurtured you, and was there for you day in and day out (along with your dad). Anyone can have a kid (hell you need a license to drive a car). To take on ALL the responsibilities of raising a child? I can only imagine the thoughts running through your mom's mind right now. As much as she knows it's the right thing to do (letting you know your birth mom) she's probably thinking if you connect with her and things go great that she may lose you (or that she'll be replaced). This may sound silly to you and in your mind there's no way that this could happen. Go overboard reassuring her there's no way that this will happen. That she's your mom!! She needs to hear this now more then ever. Good luck with this and I hope it goes well. Sometimes these situations go bad. I hope you've really thought this through? I certainly agree it's something you HAVE to do. Have you thought through what if she doesn't want to meet you, or she meets you and that's it and she's not interested in spending any more time with you or developing a relationship with you? There's the possibility that if it goes down this way that you could be feeling rejected not once but twice (if you don't find the answers you're seeking). You have no control how this will play out, but you definitely NEED to do this. I will be praying for you that this goes well with your birth mother and your brother. Please keep us updated.
Agree with the consensus view. Your brother may or may not know you even exist. Contacting mother or brother is going to set off emotional crises in your birth family. You might be in a place where you're ready to handle it, but they might not be. So you need to approach this very gingerly.
You can always go the funny route. "Dude... holy crap! A friend of a friend of a friend of a... yada yada and I came across your Facebook page. It's like we could be twins or something. Crazy coincidental. What a world!" See what he says.
I'd contact the brother but thats just me. I'd be more interested in having a relationship with him than I would with her.
I would contact both. With your birth mom you should find her number and be like, "Hello, is this Oprah Winfrey, uh my name is Micah and I'm your son." Most ppl have family so shitty they wish they were adopted, Cheers Mate
Out of courtesy, I'd approach the birth mother first and let her know that you are going to seek out your brother to give her a chance to speak with him. Give her a reasonable amount of time to do so if she needs it. Then go seek him out. After all, y'all are both 30+ years old. Never know when one of y'all might need a kidney
