For my 1000th post here, I've decided to put together a collection of tasteless jokes. Enjoy! -- The Lying Wife "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" "So ... she's a liar. I spent the night with Shirley." -- The Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." -- Payback Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her and her new boyfriend doing the nasty in her dorm room, and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed! So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I'm getting pretty desperate!" and mailed the picture to her parents. Payback's a b****, ain't it?? Damn!!!! -- The "Dear John" Letter The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following: "Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others." -- Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go." Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority." Female Employee: "And I'm a woman." Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin." ...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay..." -- This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says, "What the heck, I really want a drink". When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?". The customer says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks "hey bud, what's the name of your penis?". The gentleman with a smile looks back says "TIMEX. The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?" The other gentleman turns to him and proudly exclaims "FORD". The customer thinks how this naming thing works and says, "Because quality is Job 1..." The gentleman replies, "No. Let me ask you: Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the waiter and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer." The waiter brings the customer his beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The customer says "STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN" -- A small two seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. -- A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." -- An old lady goes into the doctors and says "Doctor I've got terrible wind. I just can't stop. Luckily they are completely silent and they don't smell at all. In fact, you won't have noticed, but I've farted 20 times since I've been in here." The doctor listens and says "OK, well take these tablets, 3 per day for the next week and they should help." The lady returns a week later looking really crest fallen and not at all happy. She say's "Doctor, those tablets just made things worse. Now the farts smell dreadful." The doctor replied: "Well, now we've cleared your sinuses, we just need to sort out your hearing." -- Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into it, their young son entered the room and started to cry. "What's wrong, son?" the father asked. "Why are you crying?" "You're hurting my mommy," the little boy replied. "No, no," the father reassured. "I'm not hurting her. We are making babies." This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple went back to their business. The next day the father came home from work and found his son on the steps, crying. "What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad. "It's those babies you were making with mommy yesterday," the boy answered. "The mailman is upstairs eating them." -- Sam and Bessie are senior citizens and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow." Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!!!!" Bessie replies, "Sure wish you woulda bought a hat!" -- Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom.." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!" -- A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow." -- A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!" My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there." -- A young man (Travis) had always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he had finally saved up enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money, and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains-and everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Just before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first, after dinner, must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And not one word is said. Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her family. Not one word is said. Now he is getting desperate so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. NOT A WORD. By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on the Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline???.. And the father says: "OKAY DAMMIT, I'LL DO THE DISHES !!!! -- A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. " The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle". -- A 78 year old man went to dr. wanted to know if he could still have kids. Dr. said , get a sample of sperm in bottle and come back next week. Next week he came back with an empty bottle. The dr. asked him why the bottle was empty. "Dr. he said, I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand. My wife tried with her right hand ,and tried with her left hand. My sister in law tried with her right hand, and tried with her left hand. My neighbor tried with her right hand ,and tried with her left hand, she even tried with her mouth. None of us could the lid off the bottle." -- Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." -- A nun gets into a cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he's staring, and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well," the cab driver replies, "I've always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, you have to be unmarried. Second, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes! I'm single, and I'm Catholic, too!" The nun says, "Okay, pull into that next alley." He does, and the nun erotically fulfills his fantasy. The cabbie is more than satisfied. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned," says the cabbie. "I lied. I must confess to you that I'm married and I'm Jewish." "That's okay," says the nun. "My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party." -- It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. So the next day the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, promptly asked the man to tell him about the day he died. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair and that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home too, and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!" "Just when I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. "But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. This got me even more enraged so I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him, which turned out to be the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!" "The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day. So he announced, "Ok sir, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." "Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!" "Luckily I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers!" "Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall. So I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "Very well", he announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven", and lets the man enter. A few seconds later a third man comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died" said the angel. "Ok, picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..." ----- And that's not all! Here a collection of sites that, for some reason or another, I consider funny. Some of them are hilarious and others are just plain weird. Be sure to visit them all. You'll get a good idea of my kind of humour. http://www.uidaho.edu/~kowa9693/ http://drew.corrupt.net/lp/ (lego!) http://user.tninet.se/~prv247p/hatt/hatten.swf http://www.ouchytheclown.com/ http://members.aol.com/ogrehombre/fights.htm http://www.stormloader.com/valkyrja/ http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/6076/base.html (Everyone's probably seen this one by now) http://homepages.avint.net/~jgillard/deg/ http://www.xs4all.nl/~wichm/oswilde.html http://www.theonion.com/ http://www.thespark.com/ http://andrewcady.dhs.org/~pusher/elian.swf http://ulcmonastery.safeshopper.com/8/cat8.htm?881 http://www.layguide.com/index.html (Smeg could use this one -- j/k!! ) http://www.seanbaby.com/ http://www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com/ http://www.chickssuck.com/ http://www.bullseyeart.com/website/ (Click on "Classic Cartoons" and watch the Miss Muffy episodes -- a must see! The other cartoons aren't very good, but Miss Muffy rocks!) That's all. *wipes brow* I hope this was a worthy 1000th post. ------------------ My dream job is to be a Houston Rockets towel boy. [This message has been edited by fadeaway (edited March 25, 2001).]
Gotta love it when people put up one post that is longer than all of Bob's total posts put together Nice Job Fadeaway think i am giving you an 1000th gift in our match up, thanks Al, thanks Terry ------------------ "Repression never did me any harm (I finally ceased to include "stop masturbating" as one of my guilt ridden New Year's resolutions, but that's a different topic)." Achebe - programmer by day, Mrs Palmers Husband by night
Not tasteless, but funny all the same: An Italian, an Irishman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." To the Chinese guy he says, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours. When he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta da broom, an' you tella me dat da Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him." The foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand, looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells............ "Supplies!!" Congrats fadeaway ------------------ "Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored."- (Aldous Huxley)
Congratulations on 1000!! FREE POSTS FOR EVERYBODY!!!! ------------------ What can change the nature of a man?
Woohooo Congrats! 2 people reaching 1000 in a week. Woohoo!Oscars time! Woohoo! ------------------ Note: It was my cowhead. I started the cowhead craze, and my cowhead inspired Mooch to step up and bring us a victory. Thank you for your time.
Looks like the Francis3 rule can be use again, deduct away clutch ------------------ "Repression never did me any harm (I finally ceased to include "stop masturbating" as one of my guilt ridden New Year's resolutions, but that's a different topic)." Achebe - programmer by day, Mrs Palmers Husband by night
Wonderful good, bye. Ain't nobody funnier than a Newf, unless it's a Newf with a little Screech flowing through his veins. ------------------
You forgot to bas... Ah nevermind... ------------------ Hakeem "The Dream" Olajuwon is the greatest player in the history of basketball. If you disagree, you are not a Rocket fan.
CONGRATS ON 1000!! Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get there... ------------------ The season's almost over...and I still really need that keg of Pepto-Bismol.
You'll get there one day. You have been psoting a lot more lately though. Hmmmmmm, could it be connected to the fact that we are nearing the time of year that both the Astros and Rockets will be playing simultaneously? ------------------
