The Fatherhood Thread

I learned how NOT to be a parent from my father.

He was cold and distant. Tried to raise us in his hypocritical biblical style. I ran away from home at 15 to get away from him. after patching things up a little, then cut off contact with him when he disowned my sister for having a black boyfriend. He died a few years later. Don't miss him one bit. Everything I needed to know about being a real man and raising my kids I learned from my maternal grandfather.

 

Single full custody dad here of a 8 and 9 year old. Mom is not in the picture and kids haven’t seen her in 4 years and likely never will.

I have been questioning a lot about how important the two parent household is for raising children “successfully.” When I became a single father I started reading and discovered an increase in research about how single father households were leading to better outcomes for their children than single mother households. It further piqued my interest in how fathers may be even more important than mothers.

Not trying to stir a debate here but after decades of the attitude of Dads just work and Mom raises the kids I would like to point out that fathers are being understood to be possibly the more critical half of the equation.

Dads out there please listen to your kids, teach them to be good people, set that example, play with them, give them space and let them fail, and then be there when they want to talk about how much it hurts afterwards. Do it all before they become teens and no longer want your attention.

You know what I remember most about my Dad? He never went with us to the grocery store. Ever. Always stayed home when we ran errands. Guess that was a woman’s job. There is no better place to talk to your kids then a trip to the grocery store.

 

No matter what you think about the father, the random boyfriends are usually worse. Probably the main cause of sex abuse, suicides and runaways.

System definitely needs fixing.

 

What do you mean by random boyfriends?

The single mother's random boyfriends?

 

For all fathers with daughters out there - I HIGHLY recommend getting into a program like Indian Princesses. It's a dad-daughter organization where you are grouped with other dads & daughters into a "tribe". In our Nation, there were about 21 tribes with anywhere from 6-20 families in each tribe. The commitment for us was only 1 event a month, but that equated to 5 campouts a year, building and launching model rockets, taking over a skating rink for a night, going to a minor league hockey game (and the daughters played tug-o-war on the ice during intermission), we were in the Grapevine Christmas parade, a dad-daughter dance (with steak dinners and a live band) and more. We had a blast and it really builds strong bonds.

 

My dad passed away over four yrs ago. Just lost my mom three months ago.

I would give ANYTHING to spend five minutes with them.

When they're gone that's it.....spend as much time with them as you can. Pick up the phone and call them. How AWESOME would it be to see "mom" or "dad" come up on my cell phone right now.

As for my two kids I spend as much time as I can with them. I tell them "I love you" every single day. I encourage them to chase their dreams and that they can do ANYTHING they set their mind to.

I also teach them to face their fears. To take action despite it. Everyone gets scared. Trying to teach them that fear will always be there, and they need to know how to attack it and deal with it because if they don't it will creep into every area of their life and it will control you and most importantly keep you from living the life you dream of.

Just spend time with them!!

 

Yes

 

My parents were divorced when I was too young to remember. My dad would come pick me up every other weekend. We had a great relationship (aside from only seeing him twice a month) growing up. Took me to Rocket, Oiler and Astro games every weekend. Took me to see Star Wars as many times as I wanted.

For some reason, things changed when I got married 10+ years ago. Over the last decade, he’s gotten more distant with me. It’s been a slow but steady process. When we had our twins 8 years ago, I thought it would get better but it has actually gotten worse. He always has an excuse to not come to their birthday parties (too many people, too hot, too many kids). Now he sees my sisters all the time and they don’t really invite us anymore. It’s weird. I saw him at my niece’s wedding last month and we didn’t really have anything to talk about anymore, now that there’s hardly any sports.

I’ve just learned to accept it now and just give what I give. I’m not going to try harder than he does. Even when we see each other, he acts bored and distant – even with his grandkids. As a dad and a man myself, I feel like I shouldn’t waste my time and energy trying to placate him when it takes away from my own family. All I can do is make sure when my boys grow up and get married, I don’t repeat the cycle.

I’ve heard about this kind of thing happening when sons get married and have kids. Their dads aren’t the center of the universe anymore and some dad ends up resenting it instead of actually being proud that their son has grown up to be a man.

 

Very true. All of my 'life' talks with my kids are at the grocery store. I had the sex talk with my oldest son in the middle of Kroger on a Sunday afternoon. Whiteboard, props, dolls, video, the works. Gathered a small crowd, got some applause, some laughs...and a few teary eyes. I went to jail for six months but it was worth it. My oldest was a man and goddammit, I wasn't going to skip that talk, regardless of what the Kroger 'management' said.

I'm about to go to HEB with my five year old and spank his ass in the frozen food section for stealing his brother's fruit loops then lying about it. Then we will sit down and talk because he's worth it. Again, whiteboard, props, etc. Nothing is too good for my babies.

 

Officially divorced for a little over 2 months now. Separated back in Oct but I didn't move out until January. Have 2 boys, 11 and 14. No matter how horrible it got between their mother and , we almost never disagreed on things involving the kids. They've been incredibly strong throughout all of this. I'm now in the process of selling the house and, while they're sad to not have this house anymore, they've been helpful to both my ex in her move and my impending one. From what I've seen with other divorcees I've been in contact with, our situation is out of the norm...that we agree on so much about raising the kids. We actually do 1 week on/1 week off, trading off on Friday's. So far, so good. We get our time on our own to learn to live these new lives but still get plenty of time with the boys. I couldn't imagine doing the standard possession (man I hate it that they call it that)...1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends of every month and Thursdays. What does that accomplish? Our divorce actually got held up by the judge because she didn't understand why we were doing it the way we wanted to. My lawyer told her (in much nicer, legal type language), "because they're f***ing adults who love their kids and this is what they agreed on."

I've been dating a wonderful woman for a couple of months who has an 8-yr old daughter. Her ex is a damn nightmare. He cheated on her with a family friend for multiple years. He creates excuses and issues out of thin air to make my gf miserable and trying to create wedges with their daughter. When she's with him, she's not allowed to call her mom. That includes the entire month of July that she spends with him...unless he and the mistress that he lives with decide they want a free babysitter knowing they can play on my gf's emotions to want to see her daughter. It pisses me off and it's good I haven't met him yet. I have met her daughter and she's a great kid. Didn't mean to meet her so early but my gf had locked her keys in her car when they 2 of them were out somewhere and i was the closest by to get them. We've hung out since. She has not yet met my boys as we agreed that it's still too soon and with the move, it would be a bit much. So we're being patient there. 6 months seems to be the general rule anyway.

I think the kids are feeding off the fact (at least when they're with me) that I'm just happier than I was at any point in the last 4 or 5 years of our marriage. They see their needs are still being met and, if anything, the time we spend together is more meaningful.

 

White Privilege? LOL. Co-op Native American symbolism.........nice example!

 

It was founded and created by Ojibway Indian Guide named Joe Friday and a YMCA director.
I know the nation we belonged to had Native Americans out to teach about Native American culture.

 

The website shows white girls in Indian headdresses and face paint. It is an outdated, racist stereotype under the guise of fostering mainly white father-daughter relationships.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_princess


https://www.shondaland.com/live/a19381796/guiding-in-the-wrong-direction/


https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.ch...g-ymca-met-20151103-story.html?outputType=amp

 

Those representations of the Indian Princess program are laughably outdated. Those photos you're pointing to are from the 50's and 60's. The 2nd article is talking about how it was in the early 90's, twenty-five years ago. Nobody says "how" anymore or wears feathers in their hair. Yes, the IP program was at one time problematic, but it is not the same. Today it is more vests and badges similar to Girl Scouts - but with actual camping.

Here is a Cherokee Indians thoughts on how Indian Princesses should proceed forward (back when they separated from the YMCA in the early 2000's) this is more accurate to how the IP nations behave today:

Ten Cultural Respect Guidelines For Teachers/Parents Of Young People
1) Avoid talking about Indians only in the past tense. American Indian history is interesting, but Indians are still alive today, too.

2) Indians from different tribes and nations may have some things in common, like a reverence for family and nature, but they do not all speak the same language, have the same traditions, or wear the same clothes, any more than all European people do. Use the Internet or some good books about Native Americans to learn about the tribe you are studying. Not all Indians lived in tepees. Not all Indians wear the same traditional clothes or headdresses. As much as possible, learn about one complete culture, not a hodge-podge.

3) Be sensitive to the difference between learning about a culture and mocking it. Every culture has some aspects which are fun and acceptable to copy, and others which are rude and racist. If you had a Chinese club, for example, you might learn some Chinese words, listen to Chinese folktales, have a stir-fry, or wear some old-fashioned wooden Chinese shoes. But you would not tape your eyes to be slanted, talk in broken English like "Me likey flied lice!", and mimic Buddhist religious rituals. For American Indians, cultural activities which are fun and not offensive include: reading books about Indians, learning an Indian language, listening to Indian music, attending Indian dances and cultural festivals, making Indian food (such as frybread), making non-religious Indian crafts (such as beadwork), reading, listening to, or telling Indian stories and legends, playing traditional Indian games. Cultural activities which are hurtful and inappropriate include: painting faces, mimicking Indian traditional dances (most of which are religious in nature), making war whoops, war dances, or playing at war, using broken English for "Indian Talk" ("me likeum frybread"), or pretending to BE Indian. We know it is a fine distinction, but if you teach your child to say "I'm a Cherokee" when she is not, you will confuse her and devalue what it means to be Cherokee. You wouldn't tell your child in the French club that she was French. Instead, teach her to say "I'm a Y-Indian Princess from the Cherokee chapter. We learn all about Cherokees."

4) Plains Indian Sign Language is fun to learn, and many Indian people could understand this sign language. However, each tribe had a normal, spoken language as well. Learn a little about this language. (You can look at our site, Native Languages of the Americas, for a starting point for Indian languages.) It's easy and fun to learn to say "Hello," "Goodbye," and "Thank you" in any Indian language, and it's more authentic and less insulting than saying "How How." For older kids, the Lord's Prayer has been translated into most Indian languages. Some languages, like Cree and Cherokee, have their own interesting writing systems, which are fun for kids to learn. Audio and video tapes of many Indian languages are also available, such as the Arapaho-language version of Disney's Bambi.

5) Find the tribal office of the Indians whose name you are using and ask them for information or if they are interested in a cultural exchange program. Many tribes will provide you with information, free or for a small charge. If you are nearby, a reservation makes a very good outing. If you are not, you may be able to arrange a penpal for your children on the reservation of your tribal namesake. This is a fun way to learn about another culture!

6) If you are arranging an event with Indians from a tribe other than your namesake tribe, discuss differences between the two tribes with the children in advance. Before you meet any Indians, talk to your kids about modern Indian life so that they do not go into the meeting asking Indians if they know how to use toilets or something similarly offensive! (Laura's "tribe" was very rude to an older Lenni Lenape woman who came to talk to her group when she was a girl because the chapter parents didn't do this.)

7) When you choose special nicknames for fathers and daughters, avoid naming yourselves after historical Indians. In many Indian traditions, it is disrespectful or even sacrilegious to use a name that belongs to somebody else without permission. Invented names like "Princess Pretty Rainbow" or "Chief Falls-Off-His-Horse" may not be very authentically Indian, but neither are they cultural thievery, as "Sacagawea" or "Crazy Horse" would be.

8) Avoid making comments implying that Indians are less intelligent, more violent, or less civilized than white Americans. Comparing "wild Indians" with sophisticated modern Americans is not fair--white frontiersmen of the past were pretty wild, too, and modern-day Indians use computers and go to school just like your kids do. Avoid talking broken English to "imitate" Indians. Avoid the word "squaw," it was a frontier word for a prostitute and is not a good way to refer to any Indian woman *or* to your children's mothers!

9) If you have a website, encourage visitors to learn more about the real Indians by putting up a page with information on your namesake tribe's culture and history (a good project to involve your children in,) and/or links to your namesake's tribal homepage and other informative sites.

10) When you do charity events, consider an event that will raise money for the American Indian College Fund, or for a charity benefiting poor people in your namesake tribe--you can write to them and ask for suggestions. They are helping you--help them back!

 

"The Other F Word' is a really good documentary about fatherhood. Interviews with 20 or so aging punk rockers about their formative years and how it has affected their relationships with their own kids. Art Alexakis' story is heart-breaking.

 

This was awesome. Really enjoyed this doc. I enjoyed seeing the relationship Flea and his daughter have. He's a perfect example of a "cool dad." I hope my boys think I'm that cool....

 

As a new dad (my son is almost 2... time flies) this thread is awesome.

Fatherhood has taught me to appreciate what my dad was, and perhaps more importantly what he wasn't.

There's a saying... a mother's contribution is her love... a father's contribution is his sacrifice. My dad sacrificed, a lot. There were zero 'tv dad' moments about learning lessons, talking out problems, warm hugs, etc. But my dad was the picture of responsibility and consistency and did all the little, unseen, things that kept our house together and our family functioning.

I'm trying to build a 2.0 version of my dad. I'm learning how to be handy. How to provide more. How to be so damned efficient that I can be everywhere at once. But at the same time I want to be that 'tv dad' to my kids. I want to take them on surprise trips to theme parks. I want to help them understand their emotions and how to regulate them. I want to play and be silly with them no matter when or where because I know this time will not come again. I want to teach them the things about the world and life that no classroom could ever do and no mother would likely want to, the things that I had to learn in my 20s through trial, error, and painful self reflection.

When my son was born I joined a bunch of "dad groups" on facebook... and I had to leave them all. They're depressing as hell and overrun with bitter divorcees who have been railroaded by a misandrist justice system and society that liberally writes men out of children's lives as ancillary. I'd share the video OP posted, but quite honestly the amount of dragonbreath I'd get back from my social circle about it (as if standing up for men's rights and advocating for fatherhood is in any way diminishing or harming women) is sadly not worth it. I hate that this is such a fraught topic (I'm inching towards d&d territory with every character I type at this point) because protecting children and strengthening families is a universal goal.

I've observed this happen. Older men sometimes have trouble adjusting to playing a less prominent role in the family structure. This is especially true if they are retired and without any outlet for positive meaning in their lives. I wish I had more advice, sorry you're having to deal with it.

 

Great post and I couldn't have expressed my own feelings better myself. My son is 2 and a half. We have another on the way in December.

We spent the morning with him helping me build what will be his playset (swing, slide, etc.)

I have so many projects to do around the house, but if he doesn't want to help me do them, then I get them done when everyone goes to bed. Time is too precious to waste because something needs painted or whatever. I know guys that basically leave their house on the weekends and do whatever project they can come up with that will take them all day and then come home for dinner. Screw that.

 

I'm sorry to hear this man. Pretty much the same here except I Only saw my dad maybe 3-4 times a year and when I did he wasn't too interested in anything I did. That is not until I became legal and then I could go to bars with him. Our relationship got a little better, but still to this day he'll come to Texas and stay with my Step-brothers and step-sisters and I won't even know he was in the state. He sees and does a lot with my step-siblings and my step-mothers family, but rarely us. It does hurt though.