I would say no. It be one thing if he was doing stuff and hit a rough patch but like you said, he's basically an overgrown teenager. I had friends in high school like that; who are on their 6th year of community college and can't drive while everyone else is out creating their own lives. As someone else said, you already have a two year old no reason to take on what is essentially another child. Also don't let them guilt trip you with that whole "rich side of the family crap". Unless you're rolling in so much dough that you can put him up in your summer house in the Hamptons (or whatever the Houston equivalent of that is; Galveston?) than just remain firm. Agree with the other poster here; if he's gonna change it has to be instrinic. Hell if he's in a small college town he could be a barback and work his way up. I'm sure he could get a decent enough studio on a bartender's salary and walk to work.
Ihate to double post but I think you answered your own question here, chief. Let us know what happens
Well, the easy thing to do is tell him no. But, sometimes someone just needs a good role model and some guidance to get going in the right direction. So, I guess I'm going to go against what most people are saying here and think you should seriously consider taking him in. It sounds like you have already made it clear that's he needs to have some kind of plan of action if he moves in, and that's good. You need to make it clear that if he's living in your house, he must follow your rules. Be prepared to kick him out if he slips up. He needs to understand that this is a temporary arrangement, and your house is not going to be a hang out spot for his buddies. He needs to go to college or learn a trade where he can make some real money. Maybe you can help him get on the right path. But, if he only wants to move in with you because he feels you will be easier on him than his parents, then you need to make it clear that that will not be the case.
no job, car, apt, gf ... well, he's probably good enough at basketball to help Butler beat the Minny starters in practice ... so, he has that going for him.
You should expect that he won't. Mentally prepare yourself for the fact that he won't, and have a response plan ready (Again, I don't think you should). IF you want him to follow "a plan" you'll need to have specific dates and consequences around it (i.e. "You will do ___ by this date ____. If you don't, ____ will happen." .. and be prepared to follow through with it, because he ain't gonna do it. ... and then, when you follow through with it, you'll be the ogre. Get ready for that, too. You'll be the guy who wouldn't lend him money, or who kicked him out, or called the police on him, or whatever. It's just a very bad idea. The exit strategy is just terrible.
I wouldn't want to do it personally even if it was my wife's brother. It's not like he is down on his luck and just needs a boost in life. I get that you also want to be supportive since he is family, but why risk having issues with your wife over a guy that can't get his **** together. Honestly, not to be negative, but to mentally prepare myself I would definitely have the mentality that he may not meet any of your conditions. Once he is in, it may be difficult to kick him out if he isn't meeting your expectations. Maybe things will work out and you guys are the motivation he is looking for, but man, I feel like motivation is just something you fine on your own. That whole family thinks you are rich is also a bunch of BS. It's none of their business how well you guys are doing through hard work. It doesn't mean that you should be forced to hand out. I'm not very sympathetic for people in his situation. I worked my ass off to get where I am at. It's tough and life has had many obstacles, but if you want to live, you have to hustle. Once again, if this guy was down on his luck, then yeah help him out, but thats not the case here.
If you actually do end up letting him live at your house, then just give him free rent for a month. Start charging him rent which will give him the incentive to get off his ass and also move out.
Very easy for strangers to be heartless in regards to your brother. Unless there is some horrible history in your past relationship I would never turn my back on my siblings. Unless there are many years in age difference between y'all, you (should) know him better than anyone and know what he is capable of or not.
Again, sincere thanks for the extra perspectives. Obviously I can’t ask this stuff on Facebook lol... You know what’s funny, I pretty much agree with everything that has been said too, all the way across the spectrum. I do want to help him out, I do want to be a good influence And I also think motivation is a self kinda thing. “Esteem of yo mthfkn self” as Katt Williams would say. Army, why not? Bartender, absolutely. He lives in Gainesville! Go to UF fool! Santa Fe even. **** go learn how to weld. Do anything. I sent him a message. Just told him I wanted to hear from him on the reg about how things are going and that I’m not going to hound him to find out. I’d say the onus is on him. Get it together and we’ll consider the move. Don’t get it together and don’t wonder why not.
That’s true, grain of salt indeed. Thanks for that. Nothing horrible, honestly even though we met like 8 years ago I just don’t know him that well. my wife hasn’t lived there for a decade already. They live in Florida, we’re in Houston. Not like we see each other more than twice a year ever, I try to keep in touch as much as possible but he’s kinda quiet. Also, has been a teenager for most of the time I’ve known him and I’m like 12 years older. I kinda get it but still, I don’t know him that well. He’s a nice enough kid, but he’s just unmotivated as all hell. And he’s a big dude, I even told him like, I’m pretty average but you’ve been bigger than me since you were 12. People have seen you as a grown man for 5-6 years already but you act like a kid. Like I said, I do want to help him. I just think the help he needs is an ass kicking from someone who loves him before the real world does it’s soul-crushing thing.
Thing is it's not even his bro/half bro or step bro. Extended circle. You can make in laws your family sure, but IMHO they are just family by law (forced). That is exactly how I would feel about it in terms of closeness, the way it is written.
Unless I missed the post, did you mention why he wants to stay with you? If he's in another state, and living with the parents, I would say he should continue doing that unless there is a good reason why he needs to move in with you. Another issue with him moving to Houston to stay with you, is there's really no backup plan. You're pretty much stuck with him, as it will be a pain for him to get back to Florida.
Agreed. It wasn't clear to me that this was an extended family issue rather than immediate blood siblings. It appears they did not grow up together and do not have the same deep familial bond. That would make a big difference in the expected familial responsibility.
This is a good idea. If he needs help, give him an incentive to do better for himself. First 4 weeks, no charge. Slowly increase it with the incentive being more economical for him to move out at the point where you no longer want him there. Make the intentions very clear. And dont give him a complete free ride. Give him lots of chores.
Welcome to Millenials 101. My little brother is 27, has no license, lives at home, has no job but got his degree in biochem...my dad and step mother dropped him off daily at college like he was in Jr. High. The only girl he's ever been with is Palmela Handerson. I would take him in and kick his ass. He's family, and needs a solid role model more than anything. Set the ground rules, stick to them. He will sink or swim.
He just wants out of the small town, out of his parents house, out of a place that genuinely doesn't provide a grand spectrum of opportunities. Thing I'm trying to get him to realize is that it all comes with dedication and work and sweat and blood and tears and all the **** we've all sacrificed to be where we are. He doesn't understand sacrifice because his dad has done all the sacrificing for him (lovingly of course, but still he's sheltered) He's my wife's half-brother! Half-brother-in-law! lol...
... and what happens when he doesn't pay the rent, get a job, or do the chores? What you should understand is... He's already not paying the rent He's already not getting a job He's already not doing the chores ...and he will continue to do so for as long as he can. Someone else is sick of his $hit and is kicking him out, so now he's looking for someone else he can use and leech off of. He's gonna get in your house, eat your food, hog your couch, watch your TV, play your video games, jack up your electric bill, and make messes in your house. You will be feeding him, paying for all his stuff, driving him around, and cleaning up after him, while he does NOTHING. In fact, that's already happening, it's just happening in Florida, not Houston, and the people in Florida are sick of it. Your wife might have problems with the idea of having sex while her brother is up late watching TV in the other room. Do you really want to pay for one more mouth to feed? What's the transportation going to be like? I know you want to think about helping him, but first you need to think about the impact on YOU and your marriage. VERY, VERY BAD IDEA
Does he want to move because his parent's are getting tired of him? I fail to understand how a college town has no opportunities. Millions of kids flock to college towns because of opportunities abound. Sounds like he just wants mom and dad off his back.
There's a big difference between being heartless and setting up boundaries. My in-laws are getting up in age. When the time comes, we are absolutely going to help them out as much as we can. This will most likely include taking one of them in. We're already talking about which bedroom will work best. My nephew is 23, smokes pot and plays video games all day and lives with my sister. If my family asks me to take him in to "help" him, am I going to do it? Absolutely not. That's called having boundaries. A bird that doesn't leave the nest is called a turkey.
