Johnny Clutchfan and the Troll Max Kellerman: A Parable.

Johnny Clutchfan was happy. He awoke to a beautiful sunrise and the sounds of birds singing.

He had a nice family, a good job, and a huge group of friends who all had one thing in common; they loved to talk about the Houston Rockets.

On days when he wasn't working he loved hanging out with these friends. They all gathered on the other side of the river right by his house.

So Johnny stretched out, had a bite to eat, and made his way across the bridge over the river.

The conversation was wonderful. The Rockets had an excellent team with true championship aspirations. Johnny and his friends talked and talked all the way until sundown. Smiles and laughter filled the day. Everything was just right.

The next morning, Johnny made the short walk over the bridge and for the first time noticed Max Kellerman sitting under the bridge. He looked sickly and weak. As Johnny neared the end of the bridge, Max Kellerman painfully staggered up onto the bridge and said "you know, the Rockets are good, but they aren't as good as the Warriors." Johnny smirked at the comment and walked right past Max Kellerman, who made a feeble attempt to stop him, but was far too weak.

Once again, the conversation was plentiful and vibrant, with new subjects coming and going throughout the day. Feeling fulfilled at sundown, Johnny walked back home with a smile on his face.

After a few days of work, Johnny once again made the short trip across the river. Max Kellerman jumped up onto the bridge, looking much more energetic than he had on the previous trip. "James Harden's numbers are inflated because of Mike D'Antoni's system!" he yelled. Johnny gave him a dirty look and ran around him, nearly falling as Max tried to trip him.

Johnny noticed the group seemed slightly smaller than expected, and the vibe was not as jovial as usual. Great conversation still made up the majority of the day, but there was a group standing apart from the main cluster who were complaining about Max Kellerman and how he upset them. Johnny tried to usher them back to the main group, but they were determined to talk about Max Kellerman and how inconvenient he was. After several hours, Johnny made his way back home, feeling slightly less satisfied than usual.

The next morning, Johnny considered taking a day off from the group, because he wanted to give them time to forget about Max Kellerman. However, he had some very interesting thoughts about the Rockets that he felt obligated to share. He made his way across the river and was shocked to see it was packed with people who couldn't get around Max Kellerman -- who was now bouncing around, full to the brim with energy. Several wise members walked right past Max without so much as a glance. Johnny simply ignored Max and walked right past him with no resistance. The conversation was still wonderful, but there were now two intermingling groups; one who were passionately talking about the Rockets, and another who was livid about the Max Kellerman situation. The overall vibe of the group was anxious and angry. This did not sit well with Johnny. He only stayed for a few minutes and felt the need to leave. He was no longer enjoying his time with the group.

For several weeks he stayed away from the group. From his window he could see that the bridge was packed all day with people who were screaming back and forth with Max and with each other. Very few people made it past him to the usual gathering area. Johnny started to long for the old group who were so happy to bask in the success of their favorite team, the Houston Rockets.

One morning, Johnny decided to do something about it. He acquired a megaphone and made his way across the bridge. Max Kellerman yelled and screamed at him with all his force. "The Rockets are not built for the playoffs!" "Regular season doesn't mean anything!" "Chris Paul never gets deep in the playoffs!" He continued on and on, but Johnny simply walked right past him with no reaction whatsoever.

Johnny made his way to the top of a small hill overlooking the group (which was now extremely agitated and angry, despite the fact that the Rockets were performing at an all time high level). He raised his megaphone and said "LET US PLEASE IGNORE THE TROLL MAX KELLERMAN. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT HE IS FEEDING OFF OF OUR ATTENTION? HE WASN'T HERE BEFORE WHEN WE WERE A MEDIOCRE TEAM. HE WON'T BE HERE ANYMORE IF WE WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP. HE IS SIMPLY USING OUR ANGRY REACTIONS TO FURTHER HIS OWN STATUS! DON'T YOU MISS THE DAYS WHEN OUR CONVERSATION WAS POSITIVE AND FREE-FLOWING?"

A silence fell over the group. At first several people yelled out in anger "But why must he be this way?!, Why can't he see things the way we do?!" Johnny responded, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT US, OR THE ROCKETS, OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN HIMSELF AND HIS OWN WELL-BEING. Angry rumbles persisted, but many people on the bridge stopped engaging Max and walked through to the group. Feeling liberated, the group had a wonderful day of conversation. The achievements of the Rockets were celebrated and shared.

Over the next several weeks, fewer and fewer people felt the need to engage with the troll Max Kellerman. Max's exuberance faded and he began to look weak and sickly again. Finally, the last few people stuck on the bridge were drawn to the positive energy of the group. Max Kellerman retired back under the bridge and eventually disappeared.

Johnny and his friends celebrated an amazing season and cherished the bright future of the Rockets. Johnny Clutchfan was happy.

THE END

 

And Kellerman is just a symbol representing any and all self-absorbed talking heads.

 

Thank you!

I enjoyed my experience with Max Kellerman when I used to watch him on SportsNation. It is not Max Kellerman that bothers me, it is other people fixating on his individual opinions.