The French War Record -- oops!

[giddyup]

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by girl who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War- Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession – Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. For example, in Spain, Napoleon had a force of 320,000 troops to Wellington’s 40,000 with 25,000 Portuguese troops attached (not counting about 50,000 in Spanish guerrilla bands acting independently), Napoleon lost 240,000 men, more than in Russia.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Fu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I await any historical corrections.

[tigermission1]

LOL! That's hilarious!:D

Thanks for the article man, I had a good laugh:D

I think the only country whose modern history rivals that of France in warfare is Italy. France and Italy haven't had much success, and that's why it's usually good not to have either one on your side.

Anyways, as anyone will tell you, only the English and the Germans are the real warriors in Europe. The French are lovers, not fighters.;)

[FranchiseBlade]

Yes, Giddy, course there are corrections that need to be made.

My list is only a partial correction. I've seen this before and have seen others make a much better correction than I could.

Gaellic wars - loss. Like everyone else they were unable to defeat the Roman empire. What losers.

Hundred Years Wars - won

Italian wars - lost parts of the country but didn't lose as a whole.

Wars of Religion - I'm not sure how the author gets the record of this. Again this one is also primarily French against French. The govt. won this one so it is technically a win for the French

Thirty Years wars - won. They even ended up with additional territories as a result.

American Revolution - won. It wasn't their fight but the U.S. wouldn't have been able to emerge without aid from the French Navy and supplies.

The French and Indian wars - The French army was so good, that when American colonists were getting help from the Indian population the Indians told them to fight like French men, because their Army was so superior to that of the English.

Napoleon - One of the great conquerors in all of history. They won at first, and eventually lost.

WWI - Won

WWII - lost, but it could be called a tie, since a portion of France was occupied, and another portion of France remained free.

War in Indochina - They lost, just like the Americans did. What weaklings.

War on terrorism - Flew the second most combat air missions in Afghanistan.

Others can make a more comprehensive list of corrections if they want. Though, obviously the intent here was humor, and not historical accuracy.

[mateo]

I thought French bashing had gone the way of "Freedom Fries"

[DonnyMost]

what is this? 2003?

[tigermission1]

Umm...Am I missing something here, or isn't this supposde to be a little political humor?

Lighten up people!;)

[DonnyMost]

Originally posted by tigermission1
Umm...Am I missing something here, or isn't this supposde to be a little political humor?

Lighten up people!;)

As humorous as it might be, it's about as timely as a Ronald Reagan joke.

;)

[KingCheetah]

I await any historical corrections.
______

"Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. "
__________

American troops did not have widespread access to condoms during WWI ~ the bloodline was saved because French women were particularly stinky and hairy during this period of time.

[langal]

Originally posted by mateo
I thought French bashing had gone the way of "Freedom Fries"

French bashing will and should never go away. You should hear some of the US-bashing in France.

[basso]

Originally posted by KingCheetah
the bloodline was saved because French women were particularly stinky and hairy during this period of time.

they still are...

[Sishir Chang]

I'm tempted to run for President on one issue.

When I'm elected my first act will be to start a war with France.

I predict I would win in a landslide. ;)

[Uprising]

Great list man! LMAO! :D

[Sishir Chang]

Originally posted by basso
they still are...

Come now lest not be so hard on the French women.

http://frandall.free.fr/marceau/Sophie_Marceau_05.jpg

[Sishir Chang]

Woah sorry about the size of that image!

More Sophie to love..

[KaiSeR SoZe]

we need some Alizee

http://www.rumela.com/albums/alizee_jacotey/alizee_jacotey00.highlight.jpg

[tigermission1]

Any country that harbors Monica Bellucci is OK by me:D

[Ottomaton]

A couple of additions.

#1. Charlemagne did pretty well for himself.

#2. If it weren't for Frenchman Charles Martel (translates Charles the Hammer), Europe may have become the western half of the Islamic Caliphate in the 8th century.

#3. The entirity of the modern English language results basically from the Saxons becoming the Bitch of a bunch of Frenchmen (Normans) whom they couldn't kick out of their country. A good deal of the French countryside is French only because it was then lost by the resultant intermixed Norman/Saxon English kings to French people who kicked their @ss and took their land.

Repeatedly.

Until the 20th century, the French have a pretty damn good military history, and their armies were generally accepted as among the best in the world for their times.

[Dubious]

http://www.movie-database.de/gallery/monica_bellucci/pictures/Monica_Bellucci_23@IMDbL.jpg

[tigermission1]

Originally posted by Dubious


Exactly! 'nuff said!:cool:

[giddyup]

It would appear that the expression "Make Love Not War" is French in origin. Is hippie a French word? :D

[DallasThomas]

Who wants to do a scorecard on US wars? I'd just like to see a comparison of the two most opposite countries when it comes to war.

[Oski2005]

I take it most people skipped over FBs actual facts and choose to stick with the lame email.

[tigermission1]

Originally posted by DallasThomas
Who wants to do a scorecard on US wars? I'd just like to see a comparison of the two most opposite countries when it comes to war.

Well, the difference is that we will never really FULLY know the real power of the American military because simply put, we have never taken on THE major power in the world.

Think about it: the British and the French fought one another a few times when they were the two most powerful nations in the world; the Spanish and the British also fought one another; Nazi Germany took on the Soviets at one time, and lost of course; Heck, even Christian Europe took on the Muslim Abbasid Caliphate during the Crusades (in a sense). Ahh, how I miss the good ol' days of warfare, where men where real gladiators and fought on equal ground... ;)

Until there is an all-out war (one-on-one, not NATO vs. another side) between the USA and another superpower in the world today (either China or Russia would do at this point of time), then we will never truly know the full power of the American military.

Of course, I am not wishing for a war, because today's warfare would basically threaten to wipe out the entire population of the earth and make areas uninhabitable for a few decades. But I am just saying...

[tigermission1]

Originally posted by mateo
I thought French bashing had gone the way of "Freedom Fries"

I heard they are delicious, anyone try them? :p

[Dubious]

Use of the full conventional power of the military requires an enemy within proximety of the home country so that the projection can be supported. China and Russia could never project power onto the western hemisphere. The US has the ability to project influence anywhere in the world but certainly not at a level to conquer or occupy much territory. Full scale conventional war has become an anachronism. For better or worse we will live in a world of guerilla conflicts, terrorism and nuclear threats.

For all the saber rattling there is nothing to be gained by either side by conflict in Taiwan. There are some territorial issues in the South China Sea reguarding oil prodution that might produce some low level skirmishes requiring the US to balance the power of China but I don't think anyone short of Kim Jong Il is crazy enough to escalate a confrontation to World War status anymore.
Maybe 50 years from now a Pan-islamic coalition armed with a nuclear deterrant, but what would their position be other than defensive? They already have all the oil. And you can't take from them without destroying the resource.

Maybe 50 years from now China will break the US in a cold war of military production like we did the USSR. Now that could happen.

I love the pics I found of Monica Bellucci but isn't she Italian?

[wnes]

Originally posted by tigermission1
Well, the difference is that we will never really FULLY know the real power of the American military because simply put, we have never taken on THE major power in the world.

Think about it: the British and the French fought one another a few times when they were the two most powerful nations in the world; the Spanish and the British also fought one another; Nazi Germany took on the Soviets at one time, and lost of course; Heck, even Christian Europe took on the Muslim Abbasid Caliphate during the Crusades (in a sense). Ahh, how I miss the good ol' days of warfare, where men where real gladiators and fought on equal ground... ;)

Until there is an all-out war (one-on-one, not NATO vs. another side) between the USA and another superpower in the world today (either China or Russia would do at this point of time), then we will never truly know the full power of the American military.

Of course, I am not wishing for a war, because today's warfare would basically threaten to wipe out the entire population of the earth and make areas uninhabitable for a few decades. But I am just saying...

Powell Doctrine, anyone?

[Uprising]

This turned into a share the French Women thread?

http://rox.com/frames/074/600/xyaerobic.jpg

;)

[DonnyMost]

http://www.macchianera.net/archives/images/sm-alizee.jpg
http://www.tv5.org/TV5Site/upload_image/musique/grand_format/12/alizee.jpg
http://aldo061.free.fr/alizee%20hot/az14.jpg

alizee, now there's something the french have to fight for.

[Oski2005]

French bashing is for rednecks and losers who deep down inside are so insecure about the US, they need to bash another country to get their patriotism on. Same goes for French people who bash America, though I don't know what the French equivelant of a redneck is.

As for hot french chicks, one need not look any further than Laetitia Casta.

http://dpestova2.home.att.net/web/lcsw082sm.JPG

Look her up and you'll find more revealing photos.

[Oski2005]

Oh, and here is what people the world over view as the average american chick:

http://retyper.com/archives/uglyfatgirl.jpg

[giddyup]

Originally posted by Oski2005
I take it most people skipped over FBs actual facts and choose to stick with the lame email.
What email? :confused:

This is certainly harsh and cuts the French no slack but then again FB cuts them a wide swath: i.e. "Italian wars - lost parts of the country but didn't lose as a whole."

[FranchiseBlade]

Originally posted by giddyup
What email? :confused:

This is certainly harsh and cuts the French no slack but then again FB cuts them a wide swath: i.e. "Italian wars - lost parts of the country but didn't lose as a whole." I think I counted that as a loss. The e-mail also leaves out Norman conquests of England, where the French were the victors. Since the purpose of the French are losers piece that started the post was humor, I don't think it really matters much. I understand it was an attempt at humor, and don't fault it for that. It is just that it is humor based on falsehoods for the most part.

In addition Italy didn't take over France, so even though the ceded some territory it wasn't a clear cut Italian Victory.

[steddinotayto]

I enjoy a French bashing as much as anyone, but then I thought maybe France stop going to war because they are just content with their own country's welfar? They DO spend $43 billion dollars on military (compare to the $280+ billion we spend..although i think this is more?). And they do have the 5th highest GDP. Maybe this is just enough for them to say "the hell with America! We love what we have"?

BTW, the D&D forum just proves that Socrates was right: True wisdom consists of knowing that you know nothing. And judging by some of the debates, I must have a lot of wisdom. Thanks guys.

[francis 4 prez]

Originally posted by FranchiseBlade

WWII - lost, but it could be called a tie,

LOL. france tied in WWII kind of like robinson tied hakeem in the western conference finals. i mean hakeem didn't actually physically rip his balls off and stomp them out of existence, but close enough.



Well, the difference is that we will never really FULLY know the real power of the American military because simply put, we have never taken on THE major power in the world.


we did pretty well in that WWII thing. while russia gave us a nice hand, essentially going on the road to beat nazi germany and imperial japan at the same time is a nice demonstration of our power. as for taking on the most powerful in the world today, considering no one's even close to us militarily speaking, i don't think it would be that close. well, assuming we don't allow nukes b/c then i guess we'd just blow each other up and that would be that.


and why are french jokes so horrible to you Oski? i mean, in general it's just in good fun, like blonde jokes or something. and after you spend 4 or 5 posts telling us how bad the jokes are and sticking up for them with pictures of hot women, you take a shot at america w/ another picture? ok then.

[FranchiseBlade]

Originally posted by francis 4 prez
LOL. france tied in WWII kind of like robinson tied hakeem in the western conference finals. i mean hakeem didn't actually physically rip his balls off and stomp them out of existence, but close enough.




I was actually using less absurd standards than the author of the piece as criteria for wins and losses. I agree it was a loss. But there was a significant part of France that wasn't occupied.

But like I said it was a loss.

[Oski2005]

What's even more hilarious is that most French bashers aren't even in the military. So while you are cracking jokes about aimed at guys like those French pilots helping us out in Afghanistan, you guys are just sitting on your asses and making fun of them behind their collective backs. It's just pathetic IMHO.

[giddyup]

I believe it was the French who started this pissin' contest.

What's a French basher? I haven't had an ill-thought about France for monts until I found this on another BBS. I spent 6 weeks in France in 1978 and loved it.

I take it then that you know for a fact that all these critics of the American military are, in fact, themselves, military or at least ex-military?

[wouldabeen23]

Chalemagne did MORE than just "do good for himself"....stopping the Muslim Hordes from taking all of western Europe might have saved both Christianity and the continuing develpoment of western civilization it's self.

[Rockets2K]

Originally posted by Dubious
I love the pics I found of Monica Bellucci but isn't she Italian?

yes...she is.

Born in 1964 in the Italian village of Citta di Castello, Umbria

she did appear in a couple of French films tho...won the French equivalent of a Oscar...

the only two relatively famous good looking French women I can think of are Alizee and Sophie Marceau

Italian women are far hotter than French ones...

[Dubious]

Ah well maybe your just too young to remember:

http://joeyy.free.fr/DENEUVE-catherine/deneuve-accueil.JPG

[JuanValdez]

Originally posted by FranchiseBlade
I was actually using less absurd standards than the author of the piece as criteria for wins and losses. I agree it was a loss. But there was a significant part of France that wasn't occupied.

But like I said it was a loss.

As a Frenchman, I'd like to give France as much credit as possible, but I have to point out that even 'free' France was occupied by 1943. Nevermind the fact that 'free' France was essentially defeated by Germany and allowed to operate itself before then for the convenience of the Nazis. WWII was an out-and-out loss (and probably the best thing that could have happened for France, but that's a different subject).

[Rockets2K]

Originally posted by Dubious
Ah well maybe your just too young to remember:



actually....no Im not :p (40 in August)

she just wasnt the first to come to mind...

Ill see your Catherine Deneuve and raise you a Bridget Bardot :D

http://mywebpage.netscape.com/boz48730/bridget.jpg