OK, me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 6 months now. She is 21 years old and I am 22 years old. She is white while I am bi-racial (black and white). Now she has had the chance to meet most of my family such as my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and so on. She actually is good friends with one of my sisters now. She has also met all of my friends as well. Now I have met most of her friends as well but that's about it, the only person I have met that is actually related to her is her sister and we are pretty good friends now as well. The deal is she is hiding me from most of her family because she says that they would be unhappy or wouldn't understand with her in an interracial relationship. So whenever her parents call and she is with me or spends the night with me she'll lie and say she is staying over a friends house or that she is with a friend of hers and she'll just say one of her friend' names and it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable. This hiding that she is doing seriously bothers me. First all of my friends think I'm crazy for letting her get away with it. Second, it makes me feel like she is ashamed of me or thinks I am lower than her standards or vice-versa. Third, it makes me paranoid because if she can hide me from her parents and family then I always wonder who could she hide from me? My mom also went through the same thing when she was 19 and she got kicked out of the house and banned from coming back there. Now I put up with it because she says her parents wouldn't understand and I would hate for her to go through the same thing my mother went through but even she said that her parents wouldn't go that far. I have told her how I feel about it how it makes me feel ashamed and paranoid and she said that she isn't ashamed of me and that I shouldn't be paranoid because she is true to her man. BUT DAMN IT, IT STILLS GETS TO ME! So my question is should I let her keep hiding me or should tell her that her parents need to know about me? How do you think you would deal with a situation like this?
A lot of gay couples go through the same thing. One is out of the closet with their family, and the other isn't. At some point, the one who won't come out of the closet is often given an ultimatum. Maybe you should. Maybe you should say you can't deal with lies, but you will stand by her side and help her deal with telling the truth.
If its a serious relationship then the parents are bound to find out sooner or later. The sooner she gets this out of the way the better. Dont wait till she gets pregnant, or you guys get married or something drastic like that. That would just make it harder for the parents to understand. I dont think she is ashamed of you or anything. She just does not feel the time is right to get into a fight with her parents. But you will have to convice her that now is about as good time as any.
Man, it's hard enough to meet the parents, but meeting them when they hold prejudices is just horrible. The bottom line is she shouldn't be hiding anything. If you all are in a serious relationship, her parents should know about it. One thing is for sure, she can't hide it forever so she should take care of things now. I'm kind of in a similar situation because I'm talking to a girl who has very strict parents. They practically don't want to meet any of her guy friends unless he is the one . She can't tell her parents about me or she would never be able to see me. It doesn't affect me much because I really don't want to think about being the one for her or any type of long term commitment yet. It could turn out like Meet the Parents if she does end up being special. If I were you, I would have her tell her parents unless you want to live a secret agent kind of lifestyle the duration of your relationship.
Lil Pun.. Wow...I can't empathize but I can sympathize. I'm sorry that you've been made to feel this way. Given that...I've learned to give the people you love the benefit of the doubt. I would assume it's just a matter of timing for your girlfriend. She knows her parents and their reactions. Treat her right and if they really love her, they'll see that and love you too. It's hard not to love people who love your kids.
My question is: are the parents hard core racists oris this just a new thing for them that they could cope with pretty easily once they get over the initial surprise. If its the latter you and she could be sweating the big moment needlessly. What does her sister think?
I don't believe that they are hardcore racists because my girlfriend works at a daycare and she brings home kids that are black from the daycare sometimes and she has introduced them to her black friends (all girls by the way). I just think that the interracial dating is the big deal. Her sister thinks that she should introduce me to them and get it over with.
Look Man. 1. I'm taking it this is a serious relationship. 2. I'm taking it that this is someone you see as something long term. That being the case. It needs to be addressed as soon as possible. DELICATELY but soon. This *IS NOT* a Them or you situation. Ask yourself: How long are you willing to 'be in the closet'? What happens when you coming from the film festival and he auntie or cousin see ya'll all hugged up? Can you meet her family as a 'friend'? Depending on how hardcore racist her family is. . . Rocket River zero tolerance
Yep....benefit of the doubt. When I dated a Japanese woman, she was certain her parents would completely disapprove. When they were aware of us dating, they weren't completely thrilled; when I finally got to meet them (in Japan), we really got along well. I understand your girlfriend's apprehension. She wants to have the relationship, and yet she doesn't want to deal with the hassles of the un-accepting family. She should have more faith in her parents and the rest, they might surprise her. But don't judge her too harshly, or let your friends help you make up your mind. Forgive the bad pun, but not everything is in black and white. And p.s.: Her parents probably suspect something by now, anyway.
Why is she hiding you? Well, what kind of relationship does she have with her parents? Does she like to avoid confrontation at all costs? It's possible I guess, but I doubt that she is ashamed of you. She's dating you in public, I assume? Her friends know about you. She may just not be too keen on a confrontation with her parents. Her parents are clearly wrong, but does that mean that she thinks less of you? Not necessarily. Again, she may just desire to avoid confrontation with them. Or is she concerned that she may lose you after you have to deal with their reaction to the news? Does her inaction make her blameless? Maybe, maybe not. Is she somehow preparing them for the eventual knowledge, or preparing you for their reaction, or is she just hoping for the situation to remedy itself miraculously? Or, let's be honest, she may think that the relationship may end before she has to tell them. Similarly, part of your mind may be interested in what you're getting yourself into, and you want to know right away (again, she may be concerned about that). It would be easy for us to say 'she should just tell them'. We really don't know enough history, or her plans. If I were you, I guess I would sort my feeling first. Why does it bother me? What does she really feel? Am I irritated with her handling of the situation? If so, what do I expect her to do, when, and why? Am I displacing my anger against her parents on her? Am I anxious and want the situation resolved ASAP? Regarding your friends, the situation may anger them as they look out for your interests. The quick-fix solution they may offer: make her tell them, but I think this requires a more deliberate approach. Only you can tell whether that is the right solution. It is not the right approach in all instances. Make them discuss their solution and see if they actually come up with different possibilities. BTW, I would not be so concerned about her honesty in the relationship; I don't think that this is a good predictor. She has no committment to share her personal life with her parents. It's still dishonest, but doesn't really harm them or break a serious committment (another BTW, she may be an extremely honest person, but feels compelled to lie to protect ya'lls relationship...just another way to look at it ). In summary, if ya'll are really serious, soon or later, she'll have to tell them. She needs to move in that direction, but how fast?
Tell her if she wants to talk to me che can. My wife is not white and I have many many racists in my extended family. Some of them now refuse to be around my wife and her family (her family includes a broad range of "others"- asians of different nationalities, black, and Mexican). My grandmothers think that an even worse offense than us getting married will be when we have kids. Yawn, they are stupid. Who cares? My sister has made some racist comments, as well..but she is unaware of what she is saying...just a little ignorant. Again, who cares? If you are serious, it must be made open. If there are problems - and you guys are serious - it will not be the end of the world and you should remember that you don't choose your family...so you can choose not to deal with them.
My girlfriend's sister who is white had a black date for her senior prom. Her parents are bigtime against interracial dating. What happened with that is the folks acted like it was cool while the dude was there and were all friendly with him. Then when she got back home the next day they chewed her out. She got into a big argument with them and finally both sides just gave up. She didn't continue dating this guy for other reasons, but if she had, that initial explosion would have been the worst of it. It got better almost immediately thereafter and would have progressively done so had she kept dating him. So if your girl doesn't mind catching an argument for a day or two, her parents' minds will begin to open after the initial shock. and on top of that, you won't have to worry about getting in some big family ordeal yourself, it should be handled in your absence.
A lot of this depends on what type of relationship she has with her family. In almost a year of marriage what I have learned is that when they say that you are marrying into a family...that's not a lie. If she is close to her parents...they will be part of her life. I hear a lot of people say things like: "You're not marrying her Mom." Look...that type of logic may work short term, but I have learned that should you marry this girl your in-laws will be a part of your life in ways you never imagined. That is her mama and her daddy. Those bonds will never break, unless she has a poor relationship with them. Insist that the issue be addressed soon. Get it out of the way. Maybe you have nothing to worry about. If there is a huge problem then you need to do some soulsearching and decide whether this is going to work out, and how much she would be hurt by having to sever ties with her parents. If it would be painful for her, she'll only resent you for it later.
I can't believe something as trivial as interracial dating is still an issue for some people. Sheesh.
